Underworld: Blood Wars
by Martin Dunlop
The Resident Evil movies cop a lot of flack for being brainless, but at the end of the day, there’s still a cockeyed popcorn charm about the whole zombie killing business, tongue planted firmly in cheek as motorcycles burst through windows, shotgun shells burst through heads and logic slips and falls in the bin…
Wait, this is an Underworld movie?
(buries head in hands) OH CHRIST I don't want to watch an underworld movie fuck you you go watch an underworld movie.
They're all so blueblack and gloomy and SAD and they dont make any sense and i dont like them.
They’re so serious and nobody tells a joke and nobody in them has ever even HEARD of a joke and if they did they would die even though they cant because they're already dead and there's a bit in the new one where a character gets shot and they do an x-ray and he says “what is it” and the person scanning him says “it's some sort of bullet” and I laughed and nobody else in the cinema did and i felt self conscious
And it'd all be ok if it was just vampires killing werewolves or whatever, but there's all these scenes of VAMPIRE POLITICS.
I don't care about VAMPIRE POLITICS I dont even care about real politics. I never saw the west wing because it always looked like it was just about some people who worked in an office and weren't gangsters or drug dealers or anything, they just did office work.
The only good thing in Underworld Blood Wars is an actress called Lara Pulver who played Irene Adler in Sherlock and there's a scene in this where her henchman is bitching about how kate beckinsale stole his job and she makes him shut up by pushing his head down and making him perform VAMPIRE CUNNILINGUS and then Lara Pulver keeps reciting exposition over a shot of the dudes hand gripping her butt cheek
I didn't capitalise kate beckinsale in that because she is bad in this and doesn't deserve BIG LETTERS.
And there's another bit where Lara Pulver is having a VAMPIRE POLITICS conversation with Charles Dance but she’s wearing giant goth platform shoes and leather pants so she has to stop talking for a bit to gingerly try to walk down a couple of steps, and I love her.
There are VAMPIRES and LYCANS and HYBRIDS but there isn't a POINT.
I never even HEARD of MALLORY ORTBERG shut up
Underworld: Blood Wars is out now.