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I still remember going to see Super Mario
Bros at an early session at the old Hoyts Mid City here in Melbourne.
Must've been about fifteen years ago – back when I didn't know any
better than to waste ten bucks (or however much it cost in 1993 to go
to a movie) on films that were reportedly (granted, back then there
was no such thing as the Internet, or if there was, we definitely
weren't living on it every day getting the run-down on what upcoming
films were going to be worth our time) as stinky as yesterday's socks. The
film should have worked – it was, after all, based on one of the
world's most beloved video-game franchises. Back then, a video
game-cum-film was a rare treat too (actually, I believe this was the
first 'major' video-game movie) it's a wonder kids didn't rush out to
see it anyway.
But what happened, I'm guessing, is that the
half-a-dozen youngsters that skipped school to see it on that Thursday
went back to school with such frowns on their faces on the Friday that
their schoolmates all canceled their plans to see it that weekend. I'm
also pretty sure that renowned movie critic of the time, Ivan
Hutchison, slammed it in the paper – so the adults no doubt kindly
informed their kids that their pocket money might be better served
buying a new Transformer that week. I, on the other hand, went to it
'first thing' on the Thursday – the very first session – and therefore
didn't give anyone the opportunity to steer me away from it.
You
know what though? It was good that I did go that morning – not because
it was a great movie, and not because the girl in the row next to me
decided she wanted to return home that day with pash rash, but because
those chairs were so darn comfortable that I got the best sleep I'd had
in months. I must have been absolutely exhausted, because all I
remember about the film was waking up throughout in brief intervals
(I'd stay awake long enough for one of the plumbers to throw something
at Dennis Hopper and then, wham! I was back to sleep again) I'd say by
half-way through I was in a deep slumber.
It was only when the
Roxette song, at the end of the film, came on that I woke up. If they
didn't play music movie ten times louder than the soundtrack to the
film itself I'd have been waken by a pimply-faced teenager as he tried
to retract the empty coke bottle from under my ass.
With the
film's arrival on DVD, I get to see what I missed – and I tell ya, it
ain't much. This is a mess of a movie – another one of those
occurrences where the producers assumed the “kids will come anyway,
don't need to worry so much about the script”. The effects are dodgy,
the actors look bored (Dennis Hopper probably thought he was still
mid-way through a trip) and for what it's worth, it had nothing to do
with the video-game (did the producers even play the video-game?!).
In an interview last year with The Guardian, Bob Hoskins said : “"The worst thing I ever did? Super Mario Bros.
It was a nightmare. The whole experience was a nightmare. It had a
husband-and-wife team directing, whose arrogance had been mistaken for
talent. After so many weeks their own agent told them to get off the
set! Fuckin' nightmare. Fuckin' idiots.”
He's probably not wrong – this makes Who Framed Roger Rabbit? look like Ben-Hur.
EXTRAS
The DVD is worth checking out though, if you haven't seen it, for the
camp value of the movie – it's like watching a speculator car crash
unfold right before your eyes.... one in which no one comes out
unharmed. Conclusion:
Movie 30% Extras: N/A
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