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0:10 - McConaughey is shirtless and surfing. Oddly, this does not surprise me at all.
0:45 -
Surfer, Dude is a "J.K. Livin Production". This means that McConaughey
couldn't find anyone to fund this doobie, so he pulled the dinero out
of his own pocket. Guess what "J.K. Livin" stands for? It is an
abbreviation for McConaughey's motto in life, to "just keep livin".
Well, hell. If he hadn’t told me to “just keep livin,” I may very well
have forgotten to do so. So, thanks, McConaughey, for my life.
1:00
- Oh hell. McConaughey is wearing those stupid black and white striped
shorts that popped up in so many shirtless beach jogs for the paparazzi
over the past few summers. Please tell me he doesn't wear these for the
entire flick.
1:20 - McConaughey plays "legendary soul surfer" Steve Addington. Funny, this character laughs just like McConaughey does. Great.
1:43
- Great news, y'all. Addington is heading home, to Malibu, for a summer
vacation and to star in a reality TV program for "surfing icon" and
"television producer" Eddie Zarno (Jeffrey Nordling). A bunch of
surfers are gonna live in a house together and party all summer. That
place is gonna smell like semen, sunblock... and wet ass crack.
2:32
- A barefooted Addington drifts up to two airport security guards who
want to know about the big wad of cash in his carry on luggage.
They also ask what he does for a living, and boy, are they unimpressed
when Addington (with a perfectly straight face) answers "Surfer".
3:50 -
Addington is calling someone while leaning on a window with a little
"J.K Livin" scribble on the window. That sly little bastard. We see a
pothead put down his bong and answer the phone to hear, "Duuude!" at
the other end.
This cycle replays itself two more times. Then,
all of a sudden, Addington and three buddies are frolicking within a
group hug on the beach. It is looking pretty gay from here, folks.
5:02
- The four dudes catch some tasty waves in slo-mo while the opening
credits continue. It is alleged that four screenwriters worked on this
flick, but the veracity of this factoid really depends on what your
definition of "work" is.
5:45 - Apropos of nothing, McConaughey's real life girlfriend, Camilla Alves, walks by with a basket of fruit on her head.
6:00 - We are still working on the opening credits because, apparently, potheads like to take their time.
6:15
- Addington visits his manager, Jack (Woody Harrelson), who is wearing
a McConaughey wig, which looks quite fetching in an aging stoner sort
of way. Jack looks at Addington seriously and says, "We got worries.
Serious financial worries, bra".
Woody keeps rambling while Addington watches some of his own surfing footage.
7:05
- Finally, Addington hands Jack a joint to make him shut the hrll up.
It totally works. They smoke up and reminisce on the good old days.
7:56
- Whoa. We are in New York City now to meet Addington's unlikely (and
very predictable) love interest. Her name is Danni Martin (Alexie
Gilmore), but Addington is just gonna call her "East Coast" because he
doesn't bother to learn her name.
Danni's father tries to talk
her out of going to Malibu to work on some stupid Reality TV program
with a bunch of weirdos. The foreshadowing here is too much for me to
handle, dude.
8:31 - Why
does Jack call most people "bro" but reserves his use of "braaaaaaa"
for Addington alone? There must be some surfer significance to this.
Regardless, Jack is freaking out. They smoke some doobage and Jack
feels better.
9:00 - Damn, I have really got the munchies now.
10:21
- The two go to Zarno's "reality house". A totally baked Addington
stares blankly at a flatscreen television that simulates a fish tank:
"Something is wrong with these fish, dude".
10:35
- Just momentarily cruised thru a sample of McConaughey's audio
commentary at this point of the movie: "Two things we wanted to
establish at this point of the movie: bare feet and joints".
I think that Is quite enough of that special feature.
12:35
- Some genius gets the bright idea to put virtual reality shades on
Addington, who completely flips out ("WHOA. Whoa.") when he catches a
glimpse of the futcha!
Tip: Never put a baked dude in virtual reality glasses
14:14
- Elsewhere in the house, a Puerto Rican surfer named Lupe "Shreddin
Sensation" La Rosa (Ramon Rodriguez) is on a virtual reality board and
riding some crashing surf against a green screen. Lupe actually makes
comment upon Addington's stubby arms. Hahahahaha!
15:41
- All is going well and Jack is bouncing off the walls ("This place is
SO pretty!") until Addington tries to light up a joint and is informed
of a no smoking policy inside the house. Uh oh, the man is trying to
bring down the surfer, dude!
16:15
- Outside, two female producers (a blonde named Stacey and East Coast
girl) from the reality show spot Addington smoking his doobie. They are
rolling tape but he doesn't seem to notice when bragging, "I’m not some
assclown in a green room. I'm a surfer, dude".
Cue existential crisis.
17:20
- Addington goes to visit Farmer Bob (Willie Nelson), who is described
on the DVD cover as a "Guardian Angel" but is really just a marijuana
dealer. Farmer Bob's home makes Malibu look like a third world nation.
18:32
- Back at the reality house, one of the show's "stars", April May (K.D.
Aubert), makes a pass at Addington. One of his buddies runs up
afterwards and says, "She is a siren, bro!".
Ok, so one of the
screenwriters read some Homer, which may lead to Addington stuffing wax
into his ears later. Ehh, probably not.
20:43
- In Zarno's office, Stacey and East Coast show off their recently
acquired Addington footage. Zarno comments on a "little moment" between
Addington and East Coast, and she becomes stiffly uncomfortable and is
clearly trying to channel some unresolved sexual tension as in Agent
Dana Scully, but it doesn't work. Mostly, East Coast looks constipated.
23:50
- Back to the "reality" house where the show is taping a righteous
party with lots of bikini babes to entertain the surfers. Whoo, I see
boobies. Bam! Boobies are multiplying exponentially. If you expect me
to count them, you are sh*t out of luck.
24:35
- Fabricated drama alert. Lupe contronts Addington in a scripted sort
of manner. Then, it becomes clear that Lupe and April may are
"together". April stares into the camera as she rejects Addington, who
shrugs and walks off.
Zarno is still courting Addington, who
refuses to sign Zarno's huge check. So, Zarno throws the check in the
fire and Addington walks away in his chronic daze.
28:23
- At Addington's bungalow, April May is waiting inside for him. She
throws him down on the bed. As she begins to ride him, he groans,
"Duuuuuuuuuude".
28:44 - Well, that was quick.
29:30
- Addington wakes up with a joint stuck to his lower lip. Outside, the
waves have suddenly and inexplicably disappeared. All of them. Gone.
31:03 -
Thirteen days without waves. Addington is on the beach in those black
and white striped shorts. Birds are all over the place, yo. I wish they
would just crap all over those f**king shorts. Addington is sad because
April May's evil, magic pussy made the waves go away.
31:20
- Addington is on the case of the missing waves: "Something is bogus,
dude". He is going to take action: "No more women ‘till we get waves".
No one cares until Addington adds, "No more WEED ‘till we get waves".
Now the dudes are fired up.
32:48
- Zarno decides to smoke Addington out of his "surfer" complex, pronto,
and make him realize he is just an advertising asset. So, Zarno freezes
Addington's expense accounts.
35:45
- Addington & Jack go and beg Zarno for some sponsorship dinero but
Zarno only wants Matty on the reality show. Zarno plays an edited
version of the footage that Stacey and East Coast recorded earlier.
Jack gets pissed, and Zarno gets all hot because this is gonna make
some excellent footage.
36:30 - Jack is gonna kick some Addington ass. Fight! Fight!
37:00
- Okay, just kidding about the fight. Not really, but Jack wusses out,
calls Zarno a "fascist bastard asshole" and leaves the room. Then, East
Coast busts in and tells Zarno he is unethical and an asshole, so Zarno
fires her on the spot.
37:38
- Addington figures out there are cameras everywhere. Lupe busts into
the room and tries to a start fight with Addington. Then, April May
enters and accuses Addington of stalking her. East Coast shows up to
rescue Addington, but Lupe throws a right hook and Addington passes out.
38:16 - We have a McConaughey down on aisle four. I repeat, McConaughey is down.
38:57
- East Coast and fake bake are there when Addington regains
consciousness. Jack is in jail for throwing a brick through Zarno's car
roof. Stacey says it is so romantic, like a Jane Austen novel.
Obviously.
39:21
- Addington is sleeping and dreaming of surfing. Awww. He is laughing
and snorting in his sleep. When he finally wakes up, he is still
wearing those bloody shorts.
40:11
- Addington wakes up at Stacey's house. She is cooking breakfast for
him. He is totally wondering if they did it. This is sort of like a
gender reversal of that Sixteen Candles scene where Caroline wakes up in The Geek's arms.
Oh My! Addington actually just asked Stacey if they screwed. They didn't.
41:22
- Scene changes abruptly when Addington goes to Jack's place. Jack is
still in jail and his wife, Luanne (Cassandra Hepburn), is selling
mowers because they are out of dinero! Addington feels all awful.
41:46 - Addington walks down the road and some dudes drive by and throw food at him. Awesome.
42:10
- 29 days without waves. Addington is sitting cross legged and naked on
his porch and is playing a didgeridoo. East Coast walks in and is
yelling, "Hello?".
Damn, Addington has a white ass. East Coast can't stop talking right at it, either.
43:11
- All of a sudden, Addington yells, "Mexico!" and then stands up naked.
He and his penis stalk right over to East Coast. "You got any wheels?"
She sort of nods; he smacks her ass and runs out to her car. She grabs
those shorts of his and follows.
They make a run for the border.
43:03 - I hope they are getting ready to burn those damn shorts in a ritual sacrifice.
45:05
- Whoa, dude. It is Mexico! I know this because the music has changed
from seemingly endless "reggae" to what I am going to assume is the
música norteña that is typical of Baja California. That is what
Wikipedia just told me, so don't ask.
45:19
- No waves here either. Addington runs towards the water like an angry
ape searching for the last banana on Earth (or a slice of Fay Wray). As
he realises the truth, he drops to his knees with a pathetic,
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!".
Dude is crying.
45:30 - Crying has turned to screams of frustration.
45:37
- East Coast accepts a bottle from Cerveza Dude (Scott Glenn) and they
both watch as Addington begins to fling huge boulders into the ocean.
45:46 - Stacey is dressed up like a Baywatch lifeguard and is practicing lines from a script. East Coast calls and Stacey calls her a "disgusting slut".
You know what would make this film slightly less painful? Satan's vagina.
46:22 - Addington is in a tree. Some boy calls him "Americano". This is just like Blow but with weed instead of coke!
47:11
- Addington and the boy are gathering wood for a huge campfire. Then,
Addington pours petrol on wood while the boy screams, "No No No!".
Addington
lights the fire and is promptly blown back on his slacker ass.
Addington rubs ashes on his face and walks forlornly into the fog.
49:16
- 42 days without waves! Addington is doing some sort of tribal
chanting and dance on the beach while holding fists full of branches
from palm trees (?!). And, yes, he is still wearing those same f**king
shorts.
Costume department, can we please do something about this?
50:09
- Cerveza Dude and East Coast are discussing Addington while he paces
on the beach, looking for waves. East Coast says he has eaten nothing
at all, so, by all accounts, Addington should be dead.
Cerveza
Dude holds up something really gross and identifies it as a "big
f**king monster bud". As Cerveza Dude looks on in horror, Addington
passes on the weed!
51:03
- Addington and East Coast are watching film reels of him riding the
waves. She asks him what is so special about surfing. Addington says
surfing is like the wind, like, it is the same mystery. East Coast
wonders why this film is being made at all.
52:10
- All of a sudden, Addington feels the waves coming, so he picks up
East Coast and swings her around on the beach. She is all sorts of
confused, but apparently, she is all sorts of into him too.
So,
he kisses her. And, yes, he is still wearing those same f**king shorts.
Then, as the sun goes down, they screw. Addington sleeps, dreaming of
watching himself surf.
53:21
- No waves yet! East Coast wakes up on the beach while Matty watches
the water. She is enamored of him. He is confused about everything.
They say goodbye to Cerveza Dude and drive off. Addington drives right
by the kid and keeps on going.
55:19
- East Coast drops Addington off at his little bungalow. He says,
"Later, East Coast". How romantic. After she leaves, Addington sees
several eviction notices pasted on his door. Bogus!
56:43
- Addington's friends pick him up, and they all have smoke some "hairy
buuud". Cops pull their car over. They all run. Addington throws the
weed into the bush. Addington is caught by some cops who recognises
him.
Wait, it is just the other surfer guys from the show and
all his buds are in on the joke: "It is some kind of digital alchemy!"
the dudes heckle him while he walks away.
59:26 - Addington stands on the beach. AGAIN. Seagull flies overhead. Please sh*t on this mofo.
59:40
- 58 days without waves. Addington is squatting by the water instead of
just standing. Dude is pissed that there are no waves, so he goes to
talk to Zarno about it. Addington signs the contract by scrawling "Add"
and a little drawing of a smiley sun afterwards. A nice touch.
62:55
- Whoa. Addington has electrodes all over his body and he is putting on
the virtual reality visor and faux surfing on a board. Addington feels
the fake waves and purposely wipes out. This is getting trippy, dude.
66:49
- Addington is with Farmer Bob again. They are both smiling and saying,
"Dude", while staring at a bunch of goats because, like, Addington is
the shepherd.
69:45 - East Coast girl's father shows up. Evidently, Rich Daddy bought the reality show and fires Zarno. What the hell?
70:44 - Cue blissfully happy ending. Addington takes a bunch of goats to Jack's house and introduces them as "Your new mowers, bra".
Then,
Addington walks down the road and two emo surf guys stop their car and
walk up to him. They all do high fives and Addington walks to ocean to
see that the waves are really coming back.
72:09 - Everyone surfs. Addington tells East Coast girl's dad how much he liked boning his daughter.
Also, I am pretty sure that all of the joints in this film are filled with authentic marijuana. DVD EXTRAS
Nothing, nadda, zip.
Does anyone else get the feeling they opted to smoke a joint in favour of creating a Behind The Scenes featurette?
Conclusion:
Movie 10% Extras: N/A
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