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Located somewhere between Eli Roth’s Hostel and just a Wrong Turn away from the House of Wax,
this latest ‘pretty people get punctured’ pic makes a trip to the
mother-in-law’s seem rather bearable: I suppose you could say, at least
she’s got more bite.
Directed by former actor John Stockwell (remember My Science Project?
Nah, didn’t think so), this latest waste of tax payer’s money fixes on
a group of youngsters, all on a dodgy bus trip through Brazil, that
become stranded in the middle of god-knows-where, when their tour bus
decides to scale down a cliff (yep, everyone gets out the windows
before the bus succumbs to its demise). A few of them wander off, and
discover – Surprise! Surprise! – a bar on a beach. It’s there that
they’ll be drugged, then robbed, and then ultimately led to the house
of a mad doctor who plans to harvest their organs.
OK, so there
are moments in this that are kinda fun, and you’re inclined to stay
with the movie for its entire run, but when nothing happens in a film
in its first hour – besides a lot of walking through the scrub –
something’s definitely gone awry.
When the thrills do kick in,
they’re all too epigrammatic – I swear, there’s like 15 mins of
gruesome goodness, before the film switches course – and its drawn out
overture to the supposed big pay-off (the moment where the teenagers
finally come face to face with the monster who wants their insides) is
a cheat and a half.
Look, if you’re going to do a movie like
this – about a madman who chops up kids – you go for broke; you make it
as horrifying and as bloody as possible. The only reason Eli
Roth’s Hostel worked is
because it delivered on its promises. It set out to be a gruesome and
bloody movie – it never promised anything more – and it definitely
delivered on all counts. Turistas almost seems like a PG-13 offering compared to the latter.
And though they’re probably the sole reason for watching, what the heck are Melissa George (Alias, Derailed) and Josh Duhamel (Las Vegas, Win A Date with Tad Hamilton)
doing in this?! They’re utterly wasted here – especially George, who
has actually been doing some solid leading work recently, or showing
signs of at least building a reputable film career for herself
(someone really needs to tell all these young actors that its no longer
compulsory to make a ‘corny teen thriller’ before you can be eligible
to vote at the GGs).
Only if you can recite all the lines in Wolf Creek or Wrong Turn should you bother – and only, if you’re not old enough to drink.
EXTRAS
Deleted scenes, commentary and featurettes among the extras. Conclusion:
Movie 40% Extras: 50%
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