Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

The blessings of a thousand virgins

Ringgggg ... ringgggg ... ringgggg ... ringgggg ... ringgggg ...

"Hello? Now this had better be damn good because you've just made me stop my video tape of the last afternoon's play in the First Ashes Test against England."

"Errr ... Mr Grumpy, greetings from the most exalted President of the Most Powerful Republic in the World's Glorious History..."

"I say, steady on George Dubya Bush, old sock, that's all a bit much isn't it."

"What do you mean George Dubya? I am Mustapha Quickie and I am talking of His Most Glorious Excellency and King of All the Deserts, His Munificence and Dealer of Wrath ... President Saddam Hussein, may his name live forever."

"Oh, well, this had still better be good because I've got to get a copy of this cricket match and send it off to Tony Blair for his birthday."

There was a loud cough from down the phone and then the sound of gruesomely noisy and thick expectoration at the mention of Blair's name. I can't guarantee it, but I thought I heard the words "pigdog", "Capitalist lackey" and something about a strange wife, following the spitting.

Anyway, back to the phone call.

"So, Mustapha Quickie is it? What do you want?"

"It's like this Mr Grumpy, His Most Glorious Excellency and King of All the Deserts, His Munificence and Dealer of Wrath ... President Saddam Hussein, may his name live forever, needs some advice and quickly. The terrible American pigdog President Dubya (more spitting and swearing) is going to bomb the crap out of us very soon unless we let weapons inspectors in."

"So let them in."

"Are you mad? O exalted one with the thin-but-beautifully-formed legs that remind me of my camel. They may discover we've been working our asses off to create marvellous and nasty weapons of mass destruction that will rain fire and death upon all infidels."

"Well cop it sweet then, Mustapha Quickie. Old Soddem can hide in his bomb shelters while Iraq gets flogged back to the Stone Age."

"Isn't there something you could suggest that would save face for His Most Glorious Excellency and King of All the Deserts, His Munificence and Dealer of Wrath ... President Saddam Hussein, may his name live forever."

"I'm not sure there's anything we can do about his face, tell me - is it true that when he was born the midwife slapped his mother?"

"Aaaaa, Mr Grumpy you very mean man. Be nice, it's Ramadan."

"Oh, okay, there's only one thing I can suggest other than complete and utter surrender - and that's to get Soddem to order his Parliament to agree to all the demands made by the United Nations. That way he can save his reputation as a tough-talking John Wayne sort-of-guy, and yet not wake up with a Tomahawk missile up his date."

"Mr Grumpy you have solved our troubles, may the blessings of a thousand virgins visit you nightly!"

"Hmmmm, not a bad thought Mustapha Quickie, not a bad thought at all. Now rack off ... I want to dub the entire England second innings at least 10 times on this two-hour tape!!!!!!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com