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Foiling an Assassination

Whew! It's been a busy day and old Jacques Chirac has got a lot of things to thank me for, let me tell you.

If you hadn't heard the re-elected French president survived an assassination attempt overnight (Australian time) and I have to say it was all down to me.

I was having a sticky beak at the Bastille Day celebrations in Paris - I do love a military parade - when all of a sudden I noted this chappie opening a guitar case.

Oho, I thought, there's no point busking here matey because it's too damn noisy - what with all the aircraft and tanks zipping about - and was about to let him know that when all of a sudden he pulls out a .22 rifle and takes a potshot at Le President.

Being a lot quicker in the thinking department than most Froggies I threw my weight at the would-be assassin (all 45 kilos of it) and knocked the rifle out of his hands.

"Stop it, you evil horrible little crapaud," I shouted, and rammed my finger into his eye.

"Le eeek!" he cried and tried to grab the gun again.

Unfortunately there wasn't a lot of help from the crowd as the old Froggies are a tad gun shy - must have thought the bloke was German, I suppose - and so I poked him in the other eye and gave him a bit of a Grumpy kiss with my forehead.

"Le ouch! Go away you horrid old man, I am trying to shoot Chirac."

"Righto, matey boy, you're asking for it."

So with that I unhooked the old colostomy bag and gave one hell of a splat in the face. Of course it broke, which was a shame as I didn't have a spare, and he went down like a stunned mullet.

It was all over by the time the Froggy coppers got around to doing anything and they led the miscreant away to the loony bin.

Was there any thanks, you ask? Well, no, I'm an Australian in Paris and so the Garlic Munchers just ignored me and got back to the parade.

Ah, well, thought I, why should they change the habbits of a nation's lifetime!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com