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That's It, I'm Off!

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm fed up with Australia. And it's not the poor form of the footy team, or an embarrassment at just how good the cricket team is.

No, the reason I want to leave Australia is the fact that we are world pariahs who mistreat and are very mean to people who rock up and want to plonk on our shores without asking.

The pitiful choruses of the bleeding hearts who want us to turn on our backs, legs up and wait for every person who wants to illegally arrive here to roger us silly - will be more than I can stand.

Take the case of the 400-plus would-be visitors sitting on a Norwegian ship up to the north who have gone on a hunger strike because we won't let them take advantage of our pathetically good natures and let them land at Christmas Island.

Now if you've never been to Christmas Island (and I have ... one Easter) it ain't a big place. Already there are 1000 would-be newcomers there and they have overrun the locals and swamped the facilities.

This next mob just won't fit. Mind you, if they keep the hunger strike going we won't need to find more food for them.

Anyway, I'm off to America. The land of opportunity, bad accents and a serious dose of gunmania. I haven't got a visa, but hey, I'll just arrive at the airport saying "I want to come here" and if they don't let me in I'll go on a hunger strike and claim they are anti-old folks.

Problem is, that the soft-hearted Yanks would just baton me sillier, biff me back on the plane and then send me a bill for the blood-removal process in immigration.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com