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Save us from Bob, great-great-grandad

There we were, the 30 great-great-grandkids and me, sitting down in front of the tele enjoying the last bit of Thomas the Tank Engine when I glanced at the TV guide.

"Lord, kids," I screamed, realising I was about to open the young ones up to an appalling and dangerous show that was coming up next.

No, I hadn't left Debbie Does Dallas IX in the video player, but Bob the Builder was about to start.

"Quick, turn the TV off kids," I yelled in a desperate bid to control my panic.

"Rack off great-great grandad," they said in their charming little way. "Bob's on."

And so rather than be mobbed by the pack, I closed my ears and eyes for five minutes to avoid being corrupted by the appalling Bob and his workmates.

What had got me so scared of a kids' TV show? Well, apparently, there are moves afoot by social engineers to clamp down on Bob because in the eyes of workplace safety people and traffic authorities - he's a menace.

Old Bob doesn't watch where he's going when driving his heavy machinery around, hangs off the side of his bulldozer, breaks at least five other road rules - including not wearing a seat belt - and has no concern for the welfare of his crew. Gosh, he even walks under suspended pipes and doesn't make his secretary wear a safety hat when she's on the site.

The do-gooders reckon Bob is a shocking influence on young minds and will lead them to be bad drivers of plastic toys or, even worse, run a construction company that will lead to vehicles with large rolly eyes squashing characters all over the place.

The only thing I can say to those watchdogs of society is: "Are you wankers? Yes you are!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com