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Daring tales of human bondage

Ring ... ringg ... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringgggg ... ringgggg ... ringggggg ......

"Hello?"

"May the fleas from 1000 camels infest your armpits!"

"What?"

"May the fleas from 1000 camels infest your armpits!!"

"Dubya? Is that you?"

"No it is not -you dried-out old windbag - it is the world's number one wanted man here ..."

"Oh hi Brad, how's Jennifer?"

"What? Brad? Jennifer? These are no friends of mine. No, it is I of the world's greatest religion ..."

"Oh hi Bill, I was wondering if you could help me I've got a bit of a problems downloading all those patches for Windows and ..."

"Shut-up! You dessicated piece of infidel trash. It is I'man Overladen Bin, glorious warrior of my people and big-time sneaky terrorist."

"Oh, well look Overladen Bin, old fruit, what can we do for you?"

"I have been asked a favour by the masterful President Soddem Hussein of Iraq and that is to tell you that unless you stop the arrival of western peace activists and Human Shields in his sandy-but-beautiful country he's going to get really angry."

"Ooooooooh, I'm so scared Overladen Bin, I've just overflowed my night nappy."

"Pig-dog! Stop your activists or pay the price - and by the way, what are lentils and tofu?"

"I would have thought you and old Soddy would want all the support you could get."

"No, the long-haired freaks are overrunning our land, tying themselves to bus-stop shelters, marching noisily in the streets and burning flags."

"American?"

"No, all sorts, it's damn cold here. Now, pig-dog we want them stopped because we are sick of them already. They are always happy, dancing, chanting and ... and ... and ..."

"And ...?"

"... and always singing bloody Kumbaya!"

"Understand that one Overladen Bin, old sock. Righto, I'll see what I can do. Any suggestions?"

"Yes. In order to stop them arriving in Iraq we want them sent in this manner. Firstly on an overcrowded ferry in the Philippines, then they fly Aeroflot - or Garuda, doesn't matter which - to India where they must board a train. Firstly a sightseeing stop in Afghanistan where they can see some minefields, then on to our non-anthrax-making-although-slightly-suspicious milk factories in Baghdad. That's all, pig-dog."

"Okay, I'Man I'll see what I can do. By the way, it's nice you are talking to me after all the bad things I've said about you and your terrorist scum."

"That's okay, Grumpy, I will still kill you."

"Beaut. Have a nice day!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com