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Talking to a German Cannibal ...

Whew, I'm exhausted. I've been up all night with my lawyer discussing suing Australia's leader of the Labor Party for those rude things he said against George Dubya Bush.

Mark Latham, former headkicker extraordinaire and man who could well fire up a bit of fun in Parliament, said Dubya was "incompetent and dangerous!"

Anyway, as soon as I heard that I was on the phone to Quack, Fixer and Screwem, my legal experts, telling them to get an injunction out on Latham.

How dare he talk about the leader of the free world like that .... AND use my words!!!!!

So, I'll have a coffee and then recount to you my interview with Armin Meiwes - the German who ate a chap and filmed it.

Now Miewes is your typical German-looking cannibal with blond hair, a squarish head and massive gleaming chompers. You'd think he'd have to be nuts, but with the Krauties how can you tell?

I mean depravity is not exactly unknown among them is it?

So here's a transcript of my chat to him in his prison cell.

"Hi Armin, you look well. Are they feeding you enough in here?"

"Ja, but I vould like to haff more white meat."

"What pork, chicken, fish?"

"Nein, the other other white meat - roast Bernd Brandes."

"Burned Brandies?"

"Nein, Bernd Brandes, the man I killed and ate. He was lovely fried and with a chianti and fava beans. Sllllrppppp, slllrrrppppp, slrrrpppppp."

I have to tell you readers that this guy wasn't a patch on old Hannibal Lecter, but there was still something not natural about him.

As I sat chatting I couldn't help wonder if he had any cannibalistic designs on me - mind you at 30 kilos and 6'11" I'd barely be a toothpick for the guy.

"So tell me, Armin, why did you kill and eat Bernd while he was alive?"

"He wanted me too." Told you the Germans weren't the full quid folks!

"He wanted you to?"

"Ja, and we got drunk and planned it. He even had little bits of himself."

"But why, you freaky son of a frau. What made you do it?"

"Vell, I wanted to see if we Germans had a sense of humour and so started digging around inside trying to find it."

"And did you?"

"Ja, I did, all of a sudden there it was. It was humerus."

"Humorous? Humorous? Did you think it funny?"

"Nein, long-tall human satay stick, it was the humerus bone. In his arm."

"Ah, sorry about that, must have been lost in the translation."

"Tell me, are there more like you?"

"Ja, there is a thriving community of cannibals who meet via the internet. It is great fun. We chat and swap recipes."

"Don't you meet face-to-face?"

"Tell me human piece of string, would you go to a meeting of cannibals?"

"Hmmmmm, good point."

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com