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Movies, chaos and life at the home

Thank God it’s Monday! Phew, being able to get away from home is a blessing today – and it’s all down to a horror weekend at the Heaven’s Close Old Folks’ Home.

It started off on Friday night as great night out at the movies. We trooped off in the bus to see Finding Nemo, an animated movie that has some truly hilarious moments in it.

Too funny, unfortunately, as both Ernie and Sid both lost the little control they had over their bladders and fair drenched the seats.

I kid you not, the water effects of the movie were almost drowned out in a raging torrent of octogenarian wee. Streams of the stuff were roaring over the edges of the steps like Niagara Falls!

Anyway, it was near the end of the film so on the way out we blamed a crowd of toddlers sitting with their Mums and then skee-daddled as fast as our walking frames would let us.

The bus home was a mobile castanet orchestra as the fogies chattered away with their false teeth slipping and sliding all over the place.

The excitement of the night out didn’t lessen the next day and it was then old Nancy decided to muck around and change the water on our living room fish tank.

Now that is no mean feat as it has about 400 litres of water, 30 or 40 fish and a rather crusty old yabbie called Brutus, who is so ancient he’s the size of a lobster!

So picture this. Old Nancy is up to her speckled elbows in water as she tries to bucket out the fish-poo contents and is precariously balancing on a step ladder. Now the tank is reasonably shallow but is the size of a coffin - we got it off an undertaker who had decided to try his hand at another hobby – and sits on a bench near the ping pong table.

Everything was going fine until Mavis of the purple hair decided to have a bit of fun and pop a brown-paper bag right behind Nancy - just as she was lifting out a load of dirty-brown water.

Well … the pop was like a gunshot and old Nance fair leapt two feet and, you guessed it, ending up face first in the tank.

Water and fish flew everywhere – which was devastating to the ping-pong players who accidentally mistook the scaly creatures as new-wave balls and started dispatching them all around the room.

Worse followed as Nancy discovered she was nose to claw with Brutus, who promptly latched on to her proboscis and clamped down hard. You know, it’s amazing at how loud the volume of an underwater scream gets.

So as people tried to help her out Nancy – with yabbie still attached to her schnoz – leapt up sending further tidal waves of poo-ified water flooding across the room.

And while some people may be smiling at the mental imagery let me tell you – a five foot tall, 20 stone woman in a wet nightie is hardly like watching Ursula Andress or Halle Berry emerging from a snorkeling expedition!

People either recoiled from the sight or else were swept off their feet as the tsunami washed almost everything away before it.

One of the victims was Vulture, an elderly budgie who had been around as long as anyone could remember. Okay, that could be just the past few days - but enough of the slag-off-the-fogies cheek! Vulture’s cage was knocked off its stand and smashed open on a chair.

Freed at last, Vulture flew for the skies and ended up sitting on a ceiling fan chirping away merrily. He then proceeded to poo on just about everyone within range – including Mavis, whose face now matched her hair colour through apoplectic laughter.

Some bright spark then decided to help the water out of the room by opening a door and Vulture took his cue to high-tail it out into the bright sunshine, never to be seen again.

Well, needless to say it was Prozac all round and we were all tucked up nice and early that night.

Gotta go.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com