Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Not Using the Old Cranium

Ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring...

"Yeah, George Dubya, what do you want?"

"Er, it's not the Prez, Grumpy, it's Cranium ... er ... Dick Cheney, vice-prez of the Good Old USofA."

"Yeah, Cranium, what do you want?"

"Need a bit of advice, Grumpy, on what to do about 9/11. Should I stay or should I go?"

Even at 3am the idea of the VP of the US singing Should I Stay or Should I Go? down the phone to me was bizarre but I thought I'd humour him.

"Well, Cranium, if you really must ... but can't you serenade someone on your side of the planet?"

"Problem is Grumpy, I'm all alone. I'm in a secure place so that no evil terrorist scumbag can get at me on the first anniversary of the World Trade Centre/Pentagon bombings."

"Hang on a second, Cranium, do you mean you're in hiding?"

"No, not hiding - not technically. It's more being security conscious. After all the place can't run without me if anything happens."

"But shouldn't old Dubya be the one in hiding?"

"Well, no, he's the head of our Land of the Free and sorta has to be out and about. I'm just the back-up guy and have to consider the nation's security through keeping my own skin safe."

"Now, back up a minute Cranium, old fruit. You, a major proponent of bombing the crap out of Iraq and will send in thousands of American boys and girls to be killed or wounded in a war against old Soddem, are in hiding? For security? Doesn't that strike you as a bit soft-dick?"

"Now hang on Grumpy I'm doing this for the benefit of America. I didn't want to seek sanctuary against perceived threats, I was all for spending 9/11 2002 paying a morale- boosting visit to all the personnel in our nuclear-bomb proof shelter under the White House. I was ordered to do this."

"Who ordered you?"

"Well, the cook. She said 'now Mr Cheney don't you go giving them terrorists any opportunity to go splattering you across the countryside. You keep yo'self safe, sir'."

"And what about the message that sends around the world? Why should people risk themselves showing terrorists they can't hold nations to ransom when the No.2 guy of the No.2 country in the world is jellyfishing in a bomb shelter?"

"No.2? Whaddya mean No.2?."

"Well, you guys do come in a close second behind us, Cranium, but second nonetheless."

"Well, how can I change this unfair perception that I'm too scared to have attended commemorations in public places, Grumpy?"

"Well, Cranium, I reckon what you need to do is sing The Star Spangled Banner very loudly and when you get to the end you have to really belt out 'Land of the Free'."

"And...?"

"Well, I'd then avoid using the next line 'and the Home of the Brave' because that might bring attention to your missing the big day. Night Cranium."

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com