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My name is agent 00Dear .
Ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring
... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...
ring ... ring ...
It took me longer than usual to answer the 3am phone call
and I have no idea why but instead of the regular "don't
you know what time it is George Dubya Bush?" I could
only croak out a very tepid "Hello?"
"Mr Coot ... we know where you are ... we are coming
to get you."
Uh oh, thinks I, brain immediately snapping into action mode.
It's matron's ex-hubby. Then I realised it had a guttural
accent and sounded quite stupid.
"Oh hi, I'Man Over-Laden BIn, you've finally caught
up with me. Did you enjoy the picture I ran of you the other
day? (Click
for pic.)"
"You imperialist lackey, Mr Coot, you will suffer for
your impertinence."
"That's all right Bin, old fruit, I already suffer from
incontinence so something else won't bother me."
"You evil godless pig-dog. We're coming for you!"
"Sod off, you tosser, go hump a bactarian!"
Then there was silence at the end of the phone. Had I gone
too far? Then there was maniacal laughter coming from down
the line.
"Hahahahahahahahahahah. Almost had you Grump, almost
had you!"
"Dubya you twit, you almost gave me a heart attack.
What the hell did you do that for?"
"Well, Grump, this is a courtesy call to let you know
we have unleashed the CIA on key terrorists around the world
and they have been given the go-ahead to shoot-to-kill. We're
going to hunt 'em down and kill 'em Grump."
"Excellent news, Dubya, but couldn't you have sent me
an email."
"Well, I could have Grump, but there's another little
extra bit of information I wanted to let you know face to
face - via the phone."
"And what's that Dubya?"
"Well, while we were putting together out list of the
top 20 targets your face and name accidentally got included."
"What? How did that happen?"
"Seems it got mixed up with my Christmas Card list.
Sorry, Grump. Hopefully you'll be around to see in the New
Year too!"
"Well, Dubya old sock, I have no doubt I will. The CIA
hardly strikes fear into this old heart. In fact the biggest
danger I fear from them is the fact I'll split my colostomy
bag while laughing at the use of Intelligence in their name!"
If there is something that has really got up your nose,
let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com
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