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Introduction to Dick Cranium

Now I'm not sure whether it was the war drums beating around my head - caused by that bottle of very fine red I knocked off while watching some jelly wrestling on pay-TV - but I was not thrilled when the phone went at 3am.

"Urrgggh, what do you want George Dubya?" I croaked into the handset.

"It's not the President, Mr Coot, it's Dick."

"Who? Dick … who?"

"Dick Cheney, Mr Coot, vice-prez of America, I got your number from Dubya and he said to give you a bell during the afternoon."

"Can’t anyone tell the time in your Land of the Free (But Seriously Time-Reading Challenged)?"

"What? Oh, have I caught you at a bad moment … sorry, sir, but this is very important."

"What the hell do you want Dick … Cranium was it?"

"Well, it's like this Mr Coot - may I call you Grumpy?"

"Censored material too foul for young eyes No."

"Thanks Grumpy. Look we really want to clobber old Soddem Hussein and we need a bit more backing from our allies. You guys are fine, what with Rambo Howard and all, but it’s the Brits and French we are concerned about. They don't really want to join in the party."

"And…?"

"Well it's like this Grumpy, Soddem is just about to get his hands on nuclear weapons and we need to stop him."

"So what's new?"

"Well, he can dominate the entire Middle East if he does."

"So what's new?"

"Well, he'll control most of the world's oil."

"So what's new?"

"Well, nothing really, but we need to get more good media coverage to boost the war push."

"Look Dick, may I call you Cranium? Your allies are probably just a tad scared that a war will raise oil prices, spark a recession, undermine the war on terrorism and set back prospects for peace in the Middle East."

"Utter nonsense Grumpy, we've done all the sums, checked the political situation got our military all fired up and are ready to go. We are confident we can zip in, dethrone Soddem, and zip out again by Christmas."

"Christmas, huh? Ever hear of World War One? They said the boys would be home by Christmas and it was four years later a few got back."

"World War One? Wasn't that the one we joined in with a few months to go and won it for the good guys?"

"Hmmmm, you've been taking history lessons from Dubya haven't you?"

"Yes sirree, Grumpy, and what a wise and clever teacher he is too. You should hear him on how we won WW2 single-handedly and had a brilliant easy victory over the Vietnamese."

"Look Cranium, you guys need some new history books."

"All in hand Grumpy, we're rewriting them now. I bet you didn't know that an American discovered the New World four years before Columbus, that we invented the printing press a couple of centuries before Guttenburg or that English is actually American only with different accents."

"Didn't know those, Cranium. Thanks. By the way, is it true that US Presidents are in fact God on earth?"

"Hey, nice one, Grumpy. We thought about that and made the shock discovery that while God isn't American, as such, he does act like our beloved leaders."

"Night Cranium!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com