Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Yippee, where's my phone?

We've all seen it and - unless you happen to be a saint - it has peeved us all off mightily when driving on the roads.

The hoon, the cretin, the slowpoke, the no-indicator, the P-Plater, the a-hole, the cutter-offerer, the lane hog and the bane of life at the moment - mobile phone users,

Now, driving down the road in my old pink Morris Minor you'd think I'd be easy to spot. But, no, not when someone is yapping away on a mobile and not taking a lot of interest in what's happening around them.

These people are worse than the drunks you see rolling out of pubs, clubs and judges' gatherings and are about as dangerous.

"Sorry, darl, may have to go there's a pedestrian crossing outside a school ahead and there's someone coming out with a big stick and lots of kids and .... oooops ..... hope that didn't scratch the paint .... by the way, darl, what about the new colour that Frank has painted in the laundry? ........"

Still, despite it being illegal and quite expensive if you are pulled over by the coppers - it doesn't seem to stop these inconsiderate morons. Buy a damn hands-free!

Sorry, I went off at a side street then. The point of this little rant is that the Victorian coppers are a bit desperate to cut the road toll in the Garden State.

You can definitely feel an icy wind blowing around them as the chiefs try to work out the next way to stop people mangling and killing on the roads.

Of course, one of the first things mentioned was the fact that speed cameras are not renevue raisers. Hah! What utter bollocks! If they weren't there to raise money why aren't they on the state's road blackspots and major highways - rather than on local roads!

And I can just imagine the heart attack given to the Police Monster when the road-safety rozzer said the police would be happy if speed cameras made nothing. Watch you back, laddie, ideas like that make money-hungry pollies very mad. How else can they pay for all their little free extras they give themselves?

But, the one sensible thing that has come out of this horrendous road toll is the fact that drivers are being asked to dob in a dangerous driver.

About bloody time. Any of you who have to battle peak-hour traffic in a major city will agree that one thing that will rile you more than traffic jams are the scumbags who don't know how to behave on the roads.

So the next time some oik zooms by at an indecent speed jot down his number and the make of his car and give the coppers a bell.

"Aaaaaah, watch it you mothe##*^%$#@#$%^&* ... learn to drive you scumbag ^%$#@#!#$%^^&* and if you don't like that you can #$%^%$#@#$%&* me! A-hole! Now where's my mobile, I've gotta report this."

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com