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An issue with bite...

There I was walking down a beautifully peaceful bike track in outer north-east Melbourne when all of a sudden a snarling, teeth-baring monster launched itself towards me.

"It's all right mate," said the tattooed cretin, who was apparently its owner, "I've got him under control."

What sort of control was that? I wondered and as the brute snarled some more I began to count the tattoos on its "controller".

A very good rule of thumb when dealing with deranged dogs salivating and licking their chops about biting your leg off and that's to see how many tatts the owner has. The more there are - the nastier the dog.

It never fails to surprise me, when taking a stroll with a young child, that dog owners don't sort of realise how dangerous their pets can be. How many times has a monstrous Rottweiler been padding towards cowering youngsters and all their dickhead owners do is say: "Oh it's all right, he won't hurt anybody."

If the damned animal suddenly thinks "Sod you, you weakling, I'm eating this kid for lunch," then there is nothing that the amazing voice controller could do. Bye bye kid.

Now I have nothing against dogs - as long they are on leashes and muzzles when walked, are kept at home behind high fences and don't bloody bark at night. You can add to that having a tube inserted up their backsides to stop them crapping all over the place - particularly useful when dog owners take them for a stroll just to relieve themselves on a public park or footpath. Scumbag peasants.

Fortunately, the Victorian government is doing something about the potential danger of dogs and has got pit bulls in its sights. It is looking to limit people to keeping two pit bulls in a property and keep them in child-proof enclosures.

Fines for cretinous owners that have aggressive dogs - "it's a watch dog, mate!" - have been increased from a dole-affordable $500, to an I'll-have-to-give-up-the-cigarettes-and-gambling $12,000.

About bloody time.

And, if pit bull owners don't stick to the rules then in 12-month's time it's off to the vet and all the dogs will be deknackered and sterilised. Most excellent!

Now, what do we do about stopping their owners from having children?

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com