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Jeez .... Dubya ... What Made You Do It?

It was embarrassing really. The video conference was all set up, my speakers were perfectly balanced, a cup of hot coffee and a couple of bikkies were on the table, but the perfect scene was ruined with my old mate George Dubya Bush blubbing on the screen.

Fair go, this leader of the Western World was fair sooking - then wiping his eyes, sooking, blowing his nose, sooking ... it was pathetic.

Why? You ask. Well, not being one to blow the old own trumpet it isn't easy to 'fess up to this one - but because you guys are pretty close to family now I'll let you in on it.

There I was playing my latest favourite computer strategy game World Leader when the phone rang. On the screen was a pale-faced George Dubya Bush and he said in a whispered voice...

"Grump? It's Dubya .... need your help."

"Sure Dubya, what's up? Sorry ... I mean wassup?"

"It's these bloody Israelis, Grump, they've gone feral on me. Sending tanks and troops into Palestinian areas - it's going to upset the Arabs."

"Going to? Dubya, they've been upsetting the Arabs for decades..."

"Really? Oh! Well, they're really pissing them off now and I've got to get them out of there."

"Big job, Dubya, the Israeli Prime Monster Ariel Sharon is a bit of a hardman and loves driving tanks over anything Arab."

"But Grump, I've told him I expect there to be withdrawal without delay. I did it on TV - I even waved my finger to show how determined I was."

"Oh dear, Dubya, you've scored an own goal there son, there is no way the Israelis are ever going to really listen to you. Oh they'll be great mates until they want to do something and then they'll ignore you."

"But, Grump, I'm the leader of the Western World, I've got the biggest army/navy/airforce and a huge pile of tactical nuclear weapons."

"So nuke them then. Say get out or we'll nuke you!"

"Could I?"

"Well, not really Dubya, you've just got to cop the extreme embarrassment of being ignored. You just better hope they don't go shooting any more kids, ambulance workers or journalists otherwise you'll really be in the poo."

"What can I do?"

"There's one thing you could do, Dubya, but it won't be easy. Why don't you invade Israel - claiming Jerusalem is a holy Christian city and the Muslims and Jews can sod off. Offer the Israelis Salt Lake City instead - hey, it's good enough for the Mormons - and the Arabs can get ... somewhere else. It would have to be big though."

"How about Texas?"

"Probably not such a good idea Dubya ... Texans can be a bit dim."

"You think so?"

"Trust me."

"So what do we do about Sharon?"

"Well, Dubya, if it were me I'd fly over, bitch-slap him a bit and call him a bully boy with a girlie name and teach him who was boss."

"Right, I'll do that then...."

"Er, Dubya, I said if it were me. You, just have to cop it old sock and hopefully people will soon forget that while you make most nations' leaders shiver - the Israelis think of you and your Uncle Sam as pathetic big brothers who need Viagra."

"Oh, boo hoo boo hoo...."

"And stop blubbing or I'll visit you. Now sod off I'm playing a game and am just about to withdraw all my financial backing for a nation that continually annoys me by always embarrassing my foreign policy."

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com