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The Prez is coming to town

Ring ... ringg ... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringgggg ... ringggggg ... ringggggg ... ringgggggg ... ringgggggggg ... ringgggggggg ...

"Damn and blast what do you want? Don't you know youy've called in the middle of This is Your Life."

"Oh really," came this US accent, "who is it on?"

"Ray Martin ..."

"Isn't he that pudding-bowl haircut with the cheesy smile?"

"That's the man."

"So why are you watching ... if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well, I'm trying to lose weight and each time those smarmy Channel 9 personalities slap each other on the back and say what great types they are - I throw up."

"Gee, sounds tough."

"True, I've already chucked six times and it isn't even to the first advert break, now who are you and what do you want?"

"Ah, Grumpy, let me introduce myself. I am Stan Hooverwitz IV and I am a personal assistant to George Dubya Bush. The president is coming to Australia next week and he wants to catch up with you."

Excellent, thinks I, a free feed and a few brews with Dubya would go down a treat. Mind you, we better not go overboard because you may remember the last time things got out of hand ... it was very ugly indeed.

"Of course, what does he want to discuss. Iraq? Iran? I'man Over Laden Bin? Girlie Names Sharon? ..."

"No, Grumpy, he wants to discuss making Australia the 51st state of the mighty United States of America ... God bless her and all who sail in her!"

"I thought we already were, Stan?"

"Hell no, boy, we want you to officially be part of a great civilisation that has given the world such leading people as Rupert Murdoch, Elle McPherson, Megan Gale, Helen Reddy, Air Supply, Heath Ledger, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe ..."

"Er, Stan, they are all Aussies."

"What all of them?"

"Well, apart from Murdoch, but I'm sure if that means we get a decent go for our farmers then I'll be in for that."

"The farmers ... yes ... well they might prove a problem Grumpy. You see while we'll all be Americans, you lot will be only slightly less American than us. You can see our great TV shows, your young folk can wander around in backwards-baseball caps and continue to look like real Americans ... but your farmers will still face a few restrictions."

"Such as ...?"

"Well, it would be like this. Our American-American farmers can send you all their produce with no tariffs. Our Australian-American farmers will just face a teeny, weeny tax on anything sent from Australia to the US. Say about 50%."

"Righto Stan, it seems like I do need to have a serious chat with Dubya."

"Er, Grumpy, what's that sploshing noise?"

"Nothing, Stan, just soaking my knuckles in meths - helps toughen them up. See you next week!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com