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It's an Evil Plot!

It's alright, boys, everything's fine, nothing to worry about at all, you are just going into the middle of a potential civil war but don't worry, you're only there to play cricket.

Now that's the message from the Australian Cricket Board to our beloved national team, which - before the Zimbabwe Issue - was looking forward to a bit of leather clobbering with the cricketers of the country formerly known as Rhodesia.

The recent suspect election - won by Robert Moogabe (see previous yarns) - and the murder of a white farmer, together with Moogabe's incitement of more land-grabbing, means Zimbabwe is not really the place to go for a month-long cricket tour.

Even our own paper pushers in Canberra are on to the fact and are warning travellers to keep out of the country. So why put one of the greatest line-ups ever seen on a cricket field at risk? Buggered if I know. Well, actually I do ... it's an evil plot.

I reckon the members of the ACB want to get rid of Steve Waugh so much - without actually sacking him - that they have hatched a plot to put him in the most dangerous spots they can find in the hope he'll be kidnapped.

They've humiliated him by dropping him as one-day skipper - a crying shame because the guy adds backbone to any side he plays for - and, horrors!, have been trying to get him to replace his battered Baggy Green cap with a newer one.

Now contacts I have within ASIO (our spy boys and girls) have told me they have intercepted phone calls between unnamed members of the ACB and Moogabe's film-maker.

You know, the guy who shot, then re-edited (not very well, admittedly) the interview with Moogabe's political opponent Morgan Tsvangirai in which discussions were held over assassinating dear old Bob. Surprisingly, doubts have been cast on the video with some viewers suggesting it unlikely that even a Zimbabwean politician would say things like "Go ahead, make my day!" or "I'll Be Back!".

Anyway, the suggested deal was that the film-maker get shots of Steve Waugh at the after-play press conference, darken the footage and then computer generate Pansie Cronje (see previous yarns) next to our fearless leader. Actors would then read from a script that implicated Steve in match-fixing.

Sneaky idea, but it didn't work because of a slight cock-up. Instead of putting "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" coming out of Pansie's mouth and "I Do" from Steve's, the operator dubbed Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara's lines from Gone With the Wind with Pansie sooking away in a fetching dress going "Rhett! Rhett!" and our champ saying "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Mind you, I've got hold of a top-secret report that indicates the world's No.1 wanted terrorist, I'man Overladen Bin, has been spotted practising in the nets in Zimbabwe! Hmmmmmmm.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com