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More Stupidity

Following on the recent comments about ignorance not being a virtue, one of our readers has sent in a series of very sad indictments upon the world's level of education.

Now I can't give credit where it's due to the unknown author of this email-sent list but, to whoever organised the original version, you've done a good job.

I hadn't wet myself in weeks before reading it and unfortunately the FogeyNap bag was a little too far away.

Never mind, have a squizz at these and you'll see what I mean.

The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE exams, which are usually sat by 16-year-olds. I couldn't help myself and have added a comment to each.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
G: (And I couldn't decide on Vivaldi or Frankie Valli)

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
G: (We've got a few dead sheep around here, let me tell you)

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
G: (Thinking this kid could be a doctor at some stage makes me sweat!)

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
G: (Bit like the kid's brain, really)

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
G: (I abhor cretinous little oiks who are a waste of air)

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
G: (Thank God someone will give me a loan)

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets anelection.
G: (No comment, except this kid's a new Bill Clinton)

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
G: (The only still thing with this one is the brain activity of the kid)

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
G: (Why are people so unkind?)

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
G: (Now this kid I like)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
G: (Not as silly as it sounds)

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
G: (I ain't touching this one)

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [The kid got an A]
G: (Udderly ridiculous suggestion)

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains ; the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
G: (The worry is, this one's going to be a cosmetic surgeon)

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
G: (And you are a big dork)

Q: What does "varicose"mean?
A: Nearby.
G: (Idiot, thy name in veinity)

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
G: (Not round here we don't)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
G: (Could have been worse, like a vegetable patch for salads)

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
G: (A roamin twerp more like)

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
G: (I blame reality shows)

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
G: (... and thrive on manure)

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious [do dishes] can be soft as your face.
G: (Marge, I'm soaking in it????????)

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
G: (You be a moron)

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
G: (No wonder I'man OverLaden Bin hasn't been caught yet!)

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com