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XXX Magazine May Soon be an Ex-Mag

Life gets a bit wanting at times at the old home and when it does, things can get a bit wanton.

Picture this. Everyone sitting around fed up with chess, knitting, crocheting ... when someone comes up with the suggestion for a few drinks.

The forest of hands that whizzes up defies old age and rheumatism and instantly people are framing as quickly as they can to their rooms for a bit of medicinal cough mixture.

Within minutes the place looks like a Roman orgy as our favourite game - Strip Scrabble - gets going.

Now without putting too fine a point on it, some of the acts suggested are a little too much even for we who have seen it all, but when the hard word is put on old Cyril by Mavis he knows what to do.

In the old days it would have been a copy of Penthouse, but now he heads straight for the Internet and logs on to one of his favourite sites www.ancientgalswithperkybits.com

The Internet, it seems, has done more to almost kill off Penthouse than all the moaning morality minnies that have ganged up on the tits'n'bums mag over the years.

From a whopping 6 million copies being sold a month, sales of poor old Penthouse (I only used to read the gardening yarns) have softened faster than a Camembert in the sun and are now at 650,000.

Mind you, at least with the magazine you know what you are getting. Naughty articles, funny articles, scantily clad models....

On the Net, you never know what the hell is going to pop up at you. There is an entire industry out there of people doing the most bizarre, sordid and sick things you can imagine.

You get an email saying: "Hi, I'm lonely, I want you to visit me at www.ripoffloserscam.com for a hot time" visit the nice girl's site and discover she's either in bed with a horse, trying to drink a coke bottle in a very strange way, or is right into coprophilia.

The things I've stumbled on would make a sailor blush! Makes you wonder why such drop-dead gorgeous gals do those sorts of things.

Anyway, I've gotta go ... seems we've clicked on to a new site called www.long-liverswithlongextralimbs.com. If I take Mavis's shriek of excitement correctly it's taken her cough mixture-sozzled fancy.

Give us a look guys ... hey, what's this ... that's me. Turn it off you disgusting perverts I'm having a shower there. Hang on, how did that get on the Web ....?

Matron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com