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A Feral Brit Spits the Dummy

I have no idea what sparked one email we got last week but, by crikey, this British person (male we think) has come off the long run with a few bouncers at we of God's Own country.

His email name is TV Glue and you'd have to think the guy was sniffing more than he was using to stick bits of coloured wool on to paper.

Anyway, here is bold letter with suitably pleasant responses from the man known in industry circles as Mr Polite (oh, all right, it's me).

"Why, mind you - why, would anybody want to search australian web-sites? What is it about australians that, almost to a person, they always assume that the rest of the universe holds an unrestrainable fascination for anything australian?"

I would have thought this pretty obvious GlueMan, Australians want to search Australian sites. Also, for your information, Australia begins with a capital letter.

As for our natural belief that the entire world wants to know about us comes from the fact that while most Australians spurn with utter contempt the awful musical drivel put out by the likes of Kylie Minogue, or the mind-numbingly banal crap of Neighbours - in Britain they are mega-hits. Say no more.

"I feel a tirade coming on. How is it that australians are so willing to wax lyrical about the 'famous aussie sense of humour'? There is absolutely nothing whatsoever uniquely australian about it. You could, I suppose, argue how uniquely shallow, fascile and oafish it is. But then Americans are reasonably adept at this too."

Hmmmm, almost a fair point. However, it should be noted that Australians did not create the Carry On series of movies, nor release On the Buses or Benny Hill on to world audiences. Perhaps our glue-sniffer hasn't seen Seachange. Or knows how to spell facile. Never mind.

"Anyone can be a buffoon, you just need to be aware when people are laughing AT you."

Good point here. People do need to know when folk are laughing at them and if we publish your email address GlueNostrils you'd be in no doubt as to how many people are laughing at you!

"I should feel some compassion I suppose, for anyone condemned to exist in such a geographical and cultural desert. It's a little bit difficult though, when they make such a pathetic show of revelling in their abject misery."

Funny thing about this was during my regular stays in the Old Country it never ceased to amaze me about how people were actually able to survive in Third World Britain. The wages are appallingly low, so low they cannot afford to enjoy the finer things of life such as the decent cuisine and sophisticated wines that we hold so dear down this way.

As for being a cultural desert ... this guy clearly has never been to the British seaside in summer. A nice example would be the lovely mudpit at Weston-Super-Mare where the scum from some overpopulated breeding ground are attracted like flies to effluent. I once saw a woman feed a scab from her knee to her dog on the pier at WSM - I kid you not! (I've got the photo).

"Why do you people bother coming over to Europe anyhow, to point fingers and moan in the bigotted way you do - and then YOU make reference to... what"

Well, Sticky Nostrils, Australians like visiting Europe to get a sense of history. Most of us come from European stock but, like our American Cousins, have a fresher attitude to life. History is marvellous, although starving to death in some unheated London flat because you can't afford both the rent and the food/heating does little to spark interest. No wonder you are such a miserable git.

Personally, I reckon this dude hates us because he got a dose of the clap from someone claiming to be Australian. Mind you, his deranged outburst suggests he would no more know an Australian from an Austrian.

Anyway, dear readers, this old fellow cannot wait to get your responses to Sticky Nostrils' attack on the good folk of our sunburnt country.

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com