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Dorky Gallagher messed with the wrong man!.

'If anything infuriates this bloke more than big mouths, it's big mouths with no talent, crappy hairstyles, dorky glasses and bad manners. To whom do we refer? Well, it's Liam Gallagher, a moronic British pop star (I cannot use the word rock next to his name without a paper bag nearby). '
- Click for full transcript of earlier Grumpy tirade

As you can see from the above I have absolutely no time for the arch-tosser Liam Gallagher.

He's a dorky git who wants to cause trouble and get into stoushes - particularly if he's rat-arsed and aggro.

Now, I was relaxing in a nightclub in Munich over the weekend, in Germany to try to boost trade for our farmers, when who should lurch over but Gallagher himself.

"'Ere, old man, leave the blonde alone and buy me a drink or I'll kick yer teef in."

"Beg your pardon?" I asked in my nicest manner.

"Old %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& buy %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& me %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& a %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& drink!"

"Be nice," I said, "We're having a good time and don't want hassles."

"Hassles? You old %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& #$#@%$&**&^$##%^^!"

Being slow to rouse into anger I tried my best bit of diplomacy with a smile and a polite: "Look here Robbie Williams (I know Gallagher hates him) why don't you go and find yourself a strong lemonade and get really drunk."

"What? You old %#$#@%$&**&^$##%^^& #$#@%$&**&^$##%^^!"

"Naughty naughty Robbie ... that's bad language - even for girl scouts like you - here, here's your handbag."

After that it was all on as the red-eyed dribbler threw himself at me in an effort to rip me apart.

Now, I don't know if you guys remember that stork kick the young fellow from The Karate Kid does to win the ultimate contest, well it was sort of like that.

I went into my stork position, arms outstretched, one foot in the air and then "whammo" I jumped up and flicked out my foot with such power and accuracy that even old Jackie Chan would have been proud.

I caught big mouth Gallgher in his slobbering fang-bared mouth and laid the punce flat as a pancake.

"Oooooooh," he cried, "I've lost my two front teeth."

"Thank goodness Christmas is on the way then," I tried cheering him up.

"Oooooooooh, I'm bleeding," he wussed.

"Not fast enough for my liking," I empathised.

"I'm going to cancel my tour and go home," he tearfully moaned.

"Fantastic for world music," I agreed and gave him a poke in the eye for annoying me.

So, as the Krautie coppers guided the pathetic lout away there were three rousing cheers for Australia and I found myself the toast of old Munchen.

Hmmmmm, I hope Matron doesn't get near the Net ... I haven't told her about my little jaunt ... or my new friend Heidi Klum.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com