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Golfers Shoot Plenty of Birdies

The aim of all golfers is to make as low a score as possible and, holes-in-one aside, some of the best ways to do it is by shooting eagles (2 under par) and birdies (1 under par).

However, a moneyed Melbourne golf club has taken to shooting birdies in a very different way. With guns. And out of season.

Now the trigger-happy mob running the club - which just so happens to lie next to a bird sanctuary - was getting pretty poopy about the neighbouring quackers occasionally using the greens as a toilet.

As one moneybags said: "It does so taint the greenery and wreaks havoc with your putting."

So the club hired some mercenaries and they blew the living crap out of at least 20 ducks who were trespassing.

Now it seems to me that these native ducks - again, it was out of season - had probably been enjoying a comfy stay in the pleasant surrounds of the sanctuary. Okay, they may have needed to dodge a few errant balls from the club-wielding oiks over the back, but they felt pretty good.

So, the quackers have a bit of brekky, round up the kiddywinks, and go for a family toddle over into the park.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang ... "fore!"

Exit one mob of formerly happy ducks.

When quizzed about the mass killings, club members were divided (thank God some golfers have a bit of morality) pretty much along the lines of who were the best putters and who were not.

To all of you who thought it was okay to murder native ducks to improve your score I say: "Up yours you bastards!"

No wonder it is said that golf is a good walk ruined.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com