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Call Me Gomarrah, Soddem

Ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring... ring...

"Hello, Grumpy's International Advisory, how may I help you?" (Okay I've been sprung, this is my day job, helping world leaders settle their diffrences in a sensible way)

"Mr Grumpy?"

Aha, a thick Middle Eastern accent. Could it be Arafat? No, I'd already rejected him. Girlie Name Sharon? No, he won't listen to anybody.

"Mr Grumpy?"

"Er, hang about a bit ... just setting up the ID chart."

Who the hell could it be? Oh, it may just be ....

"Have to do an ID. Please answer these questions. What is your name?"

"Soddem Hussein."

"Nicknames?"

"Butcher of Baghdad, He Who Will Be Obeyed."

"First wife's name?"

"Sandy."

"Favourite band?"

"Oasis. (See, lots of oil - no taste)"

"Favourite cigarettes?"

"Camel."

"Hello Soddem, old fruit, what can I do for you?"

"Well Mr Grumpy I wanted to thank you for getting us out of the dung with the West over our weapons inspectors. You have stopped a war with the Great Satan and now we can get on with life as I like it."

"That is?"

"Oh, bullying people, scaring the crap out of my citizens and neighbours, developing weapons of mass destruction ... sorry, shouldn't have said that."

"Now, Soddem, you've got to give up your wicked ways and do like I said. Let the inspectors in, tone down your anti-US rhetoric and just be a nice guy."

"Ah Grumpy, may the blessings of a thousand harem floozies pour down upon your ageing grey head."

"Steady on, Soddem old fruit, don't talk like that - Matron may be listening. Look, I may take you up on your offer and pay a little visit in the next wee while."

"Anytime, Mr Grumpy, anytime. Maybe we can play bowls?"

"Bowls?!! How old and weak do you think I am Soddem? I'll come over there and kick your arse if you're not careful."

"Oh, millions of apologies oh grey haired wonder of the world, I mean Iraqi bowls. A real man's game."

"How do you play."

"Well, firstly you kidnap UN weapons inspectors. Then you chop their heads off. Then you play bowls with them."

"Aha. I'm not sure you'll be needing my services again, Soddem. Best of luck and ... stay close to the bomb shelter. And don't go riding bikes across any big bridges."

"A gazillion thanks oh mighty and munificent ...."

"Bye Soddem!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com