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Human shield: The Interview

Ring ... ring ... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringgggg ... ringggggg ... ringgggggg ... ringggggggg ... ringgggggggg ... ringggggggggg ... ringgggggggggg ...

"Urrrggggggg"

"Mister Grumpy?"

"Urrrggggggg!"

"Mister Grumpy - great sage of wisdom and ageless practicalism?"

"Urrrggggggg!!!!!!!!!!"

"My name is Inddeepoo - Reilly Indeepoo - I'm one of the human shields who volunteered to go into Iraq to stop the war."

"Splutter ... cough ... hoick ..."

"I'm calling you to ask for your help. My friends - Terry Fied-Witless, Jock Stainedbeyondbelief and Will Wedie - and I want to get out of Iraq. Soddem Hussein wants us to plonk ourselves in front of military installations to cushion some of the smart bombs that Dubya's going to drop on him."

"And ....?"

"We are petrified. We don't want to be bombed. We want to go home."

"But didn't you chaps realize that when you laughingly went over to Baghdad to 'Stop the Fascist War'?"

"Yes, but ..."

"And didn't you ignore warnings that old Soddem wasn't to be trusted and that you run the risk of being killed?"

"Yes, but ..."

"Did you know the risks?"

"Yes, but ..."

"So why be such softdicks and run when what you wanted to do - and knew to be dangerous - turns out to be just that?"

"Well, Mr Grumpy, we were so much braver after a few glasses of chardonnay, and the girls we wanted to impress were really impressed and ..."

"... and you have discovered that good old Soddem is actually a lying cheating scumbag who'll sacrifice anyone for his own life?"

"Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but we didn't expect to actually be in the frontline, strapped to radar sites."

"Now Reilly, I have to say that firstly I'm not surprised and secondly you've brought it upon yourselves."

"But ... boo hoo hooo, Mr Grumpy ... boo hoo hooo ... we didn't think we'd have to face real danger. We are really camera-fronting heroes who turn to sooky boys when it looks like we could die maimed and senselessly with nobody watching."

"Well, Reilly, I have only one suggestion."

"What's that Mr Grumpy?"

"Join Al-Qaeda."

"Whatttt?"

"Yup, join Al-Qaeda and you'll be whisked to the safety of Guantanamo Bay, get fed (a bit) and housed (albeit without a roof) and you'll be comfy as a churchmouse."

"Isn't that supposed to be 'quiet as a churchmouse'?"

"No ... I reckon once you've got used to sleeping while hog-tied and squatting you'll be comfy as a churchmouse anywhere. Actually, on second thought, maybe you're right. Once you get back home after a few years you'll be quiet as a churchmouse and won't wander around city streets pissing people off with stupid damn chants like '1-2-3-4 we don't want your fascist war!'"

"Will you put in a word with Dubya for us?"

"No, rack off. Nothing annoys me more than sheep-like idealists who discover that realists may actually be right."

"But Mr Grumpy we are going to die."

"Bit of a bummer kid, but at least your fellow activists will remember you ... for a couple of months."

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com