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Going to I-raq and ruin

Ring .... ringg .... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringgggg ... ringgggg ... ringggggg ... ringgggggg ... ringggggggg ... ringgggggggg ...

"Oh bloody what? It's 3am. Don't you stupid prats know it's damn rude to wake someone in the middle of the $%$#$%@#$%$#@ night!!!"

"Er, Grump?"

"'Course I'm bloody grumpy, how else would you be you stupid tosser if you got ..."

"Hey, calm down old timer ... it's Dubya."

I should have known of course, but upon hearing that pleasant but dim voice down the other end of the line my anger faded. I mean, you can't be too mean to little kids can you!

"Okay, Dubya, what's going on?"

"Well, Grump, I need a bit of advice."

"Why not ask Colon, or Gondaleezer, or any other of your assistant brains, Dubya?"

"Well, I gotta say Grump that I need someone to tell me something straight."

"Okay, Dubya, what do you need to be straightened up on?"

"Well, Grump, it's I-raq. Those somnabeeches are not doing as they should. They are being mean to us. Shooting, bombing - making rude signs on walls about me - it's not fair, we went in to help them."

"So what do you want?"

"To get out, Grump, with our dignity and heroic poses intact."

"So who will take over?"

"The United Nations, Grump, damn boy don't you know about the UN?"

"You mean that organisation of smurfs that operates in that funny building in New York?"

"Yup, you got it, Grump. My daddy called 'em smurfs too. We had a collection and we used to ..."

"Shut up Dubya. What makes you think the UN wants to go into the mess you've created and start cleaning it up?"

"Well ... we want them to. That's what they are there for isn't it?"

"But didn't you ever so slightly piss them off by wading into Iraq full of testosterone and gum? Didn't you ignore everyone about the mess you'd be creating? And didn't you rub European noses in the poo - not such a bad thing there - but those guys have long memories."

"I'm sorry, Grumpy, I should have listened - but I'm from Texas. What can I do?"

"Well, Dubya, other than going to Dallas and driving in an open car past a grassy knoll there isn't a lot you can do. You just have to cop it."

There was silence and then the sound of blubbering down the other end of the line. I'm not sure what he was saying, but I thought I heard the political giant of the Western world saying something like "... I don't want to be a one-term like daddy."

Sometimes you've got to feel sorry for politicians - even really dopey ones. Embarrassed, I just put the phone down.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com