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Jingle Bells...

Well, well, well … almost Chrissie time again and where has the year gone?

You know the older you get the faster time seems to fly and so it seemed only yesterday that I was welcoming in the new millennium, let alone 2003.

This old mind is too tired to go back over the past year at the moment - that treat is still in store - however it does seem appropriate to let you in on my Celebrity Christmas Gift list this year.

It may seem to outsiders that being a close confidante of all who are famous is fun, but at this time of year it gets damn expensive - particularly for an old codger on a pension.

Anyway, here are a few of the presents and messages sent to my favourite peoples.

• Robert "Mad Cow" Mugabe: Dictator of Zimbabwe, wishes of a painful death, Sticks and Stones Moogabe, My Farm is Your Farm.
  
  
• Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of Australia, a photo of Grumpy with lots of kisses and a bong. See Harry the Hoocher.
  
  
• Madonna: singer, the book How to Age Gracefully.
  
  
• Kylie Minogue: alleged singer and sex symbol, a voice.
  
  
• Eddie McGuire: over-exposed TV creation, a copy of How to Hide Smarminess Within Seven Days. See Collingwood Insults Our Flag.
  
  
• John Elliott: company director, a decent football club and a copy of Business Management for Dummies.
  
  
• Helen Paintbrush Clarke: Prime Monster of New Zealand, a paint-by-numbers set. See The Forger PM, and Helen Clarke Bristles.
  
  
• Mahathir Mohommad: ex- Prime Monster of Malaysia, a mouthguard. Take your pick - Malaysia's Moaning Moron, Mahathir Cops One.
  
  
• Spam senders and virus creators: living examples of human pus, may you all get AIDS.
  
  
• George Dubya Bush: US president, a copy of 100 Important Things Outside America. Going to Iraq and Ruin, Dubya Down Under.
  
  
• Catholic priests: XXXXXXXXXXX, annual subscription to Boys' Own. See Popey's Peace Mission, Advice to Wacko Jacko.
  
  
• Soddem Hussein: ex-president of Iraq, a good night's sleep. See Letter to Saddam, Soddy Hussein Located, Soddy's Last Call.
  
  
• I'man OverLaden Bin: No.1 world terrorist, a deeper voice kit.
  
  
• Pauline Hanson: ex-political prisoner, a photo of Grumpy with lots of kisses. See Hanson and Jail, Hanson Free, Judges Too Precious.
  
  
• Tony Abbott: political head-kicker, a personality.
  
  
• Brendon Nelson: Australian cabinet minister, money for a decent hair cut.
  
  
• Tram Nazis: jack-booted tram and train ticket enforcers, bigger male appendages. See Tram Nazis at it Again, Grumpy's Joy Ride.
  
  
• Tony Blah: Prime Monster of Britain, a copy of How to Kick the Popularity Habit. See How the Mighty Fall, Hobnobbing in the Azores.
  
  
• Australian management: world's best toadies and unimaginative lickspittles, a wish for farsightedness and courage.
  
  
• Steve Waugh: retiring Australian cricket captain and demi-god, wishes for peace and happiness. See This Means Waugh.
  
  
• All politicians: rorters and ivory-tower dwellers, unemployment.
  
  
• Britney Spears: alleged singer and sex symbol, a dance version of If I Only Had a Brain. See Bored Blonde Britney, Spare Me Spears.
  
  
• John Howard: Prime Monster of Australia, a bong. See The PM's Stash.
  
  
• Prince Harry: British royal, a bong. See Harry the Hoocher.
  

So, what do I want for Christmas? A bit of peace and quiet will do.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com