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There's that blasted phone. 3am? It's gotta be George Dubya Bush again, I do wish that bloke would learn that not everything in the world runs on American East Coast Time.

"Yeah, Dubya, what do you want?"

"Hi Grump, hey, how did you know it was me?"

"An educated guess Dubya, that's all. Tell me, do you Seppos have any idea that America is not the centre of the world's existence?"

"'Course we do, Grump, we know that there's America, land of the free, and the rest of the world made up of non-Americans. Hey, some of you guys speak American pretty good too!"

"**** off, Dubya. You may be worshipped as the big guy in Seppoland, but around the world you are regarded as a bit of a duffer."

"Is that so, Grump? Well, that's sorta the reason I'm calling you on this beautiful evening - you had dinner yet? - we want to improve our image throughout the world."

"So stop bombing the crap out of places - that's a good start."

"Oh, gee, Grump, that's a good joke. We are only strategically striking known enemies of the Western World and a few assorted wedding parties in Afghanistan, but what the heck. No, Grump, we are going to do something really big to boost our world image."

"Okay, Dubya, sounds great - just don't make it rebranding America exercise. Why don't you just try listening to other people for once."

"Hey Grump, great idea, we could set up a new department to sort of sell the good old USofA to foreigners. Make ourselves out to be great guys who care for everyone and everything."

"Hold up, Dubya, old sock, you are the foreigners."

"Waddya mean, Grump? We are Americans."

"I know that, Dubya, but to us Aussies - and Brits, French, Germans, Japanese, Arabs, Russians to name but a few - you guys are foreigners. And you peddle your inane pop culture around the globe by virtue of the fact that most young people are too ignorant of anything else to realise just what crap it is."

"But hang on now, Grump. We are Americans, you guys are foreign. Anyway, we want this new department - a global communications office - to counter the image that we are arrogant, hypocritical, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and contemptuous of others."

"Big job, Dubya, that's a very big job. Who is going to head this global communications office?"

"Well, Grump, I thought you could."

"What? You want a non-American to tell you guys what non-Americans think about you? That's a huge departure for you guys. Wouldn't it be better if you had an American tell the world just how wrong they are about Americans, and about what a fantastic and interesting mob you are, and about how warm-hearted and nice you guys are, and understanding of other cultures, and are real global players."

"Do you think that would work, Grump?"

"Well, you've been doing it for more than half-a-century - why change?"

"You're right, Grump. Thanks. You make good sense for a non-American. Want to be a citizen?"

"I'd rather be circumcised again, Dubya. Good night."

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com