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Making new friends is easy peasy

Ring, ringg, ringgg, ringggg, ringgggg, ringggggg, ringgggggg … okay, okay … I'm coming … don't hang up … I'll get there … I'm on my way … aaaahhhhhh … bloody colostomy bag cords … Oh poo!

"What the hell do you want???!!!!"

"Mr Grumpy Old Coot?"

"Yes."

"I have a phone call from his exalted highness and radiance of supreme light the eternally vigilant provider and Great Leader …"

"What, John Howard?"

"No you capitalist, imperialist pig dog … Kim Jong Il, the glorious sun of the people of the Democratic Republic of Korea."

"I thought Jonquil was from the North?"

"He is you ancient lackey of outdated dogma … the beloved Communist nation of North Korea is democratic."

"Do tell …"

"Now, flunkey of foreign foes … be prepared to be dazzled by the knowledge and wisdom of he who shall not be forgotten in a thousand generations …"

Well, well, well. It's all a bit exciting really, getting to speak with the chap who runs a nation of starving millions and possibly the second most powerful army in the world. Oh, I must also get some advice on buying suits and hair styles … but that can wait.

"Mr Coot … I will call you Grumpy … it has come to the attention of our security forces that you write rude and horrible things about the great leaders of the world."

"That's right, Kim … or is that Ill?"

"Quiet. What my security forces want to know is why you have not been rude about me? I have taken advantage of the tensions in the Middle East to put pressure on America … capitalist pig dogs … over nuclear weapons and have once again raised the sceptre of war on the Korean Pensinsula. I have made Washington quake, Tokyo shake, the UN rattle and Seoul roll. Why do YOU not treat me with the respect I deserve and insult me like you do Soddem Hussein, Tony Blah, I'Man Over Laden Bin and George Dubya Bush."

"Well, Jonquil, old fruit, it's a good question. It could be that your sabre-rattling doesn't impress me much. After all, you may have 1 million troops in your army and a few nuclear weapons, but against Dubya and his mates you don't rate."

"What?"

"Well, let's look at it this way. If you nuke the South you'll make a mess - and ruin some damn fine car-making plants - but, really, apart from killing a million or so of your cousins it won't matter much."

"Oh?"

"Yup, 'coz old Dubya and his mob are just itching to blast the crap out of someone and I suspect the only thing that has stopped you from being flattened is the fact they are unsure if you'll trigger nukes. Once you've thrown that little card away - or pushed too hard - you are in deep poo, my boy."

"I have never been so insulted … thanks! You are my new friend, Grumpy, why don't you come to visit me in the beautiful Stalinist state of the Democratic People's republic. You can stay at my place and I'll cancel the food rations of 40 families to feed you for a couple of days."

"Thanks for the offer, Jonquil, old bean, but things may be a little hot up your way later this year."

"But summer is a lovely time ..."

"It's not that, Jonquil, my boy, but once old Soddem has been flogged guess who Dubya and the Fifth and Sixth Fleets are coming to visit …"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com