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Men's Rules

Without putting too fine a point on it, I'm sick to bloody death of blokes copping it in the neck from tossers who put together adverts.

Now how many of you out there have seen the ones about how the guy can only cook if he uses a can opener?

Or doesn't realise that his kid needs a nappy change?

Or makes some other mistake than even the biggest retard in the world would not?

And we have to smile sweetly and laugh politely as the other part of the human race laughs at our expense.

Women don't like ads that treat them like morons, and neither do we!

Anyway, having come across this list of men's rules on the 'Net the other day, I figured it would be worth a laugh or two.

By the way gals, only some of them are meant to be funny!

Mens Rules:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6. Crying is blackmail.

7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it.

8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

13. Check your oil! Please.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

18. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

19. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

20. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

21. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

22. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

23. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

24. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

25. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

26. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

27. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

28. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.

29. You have enough clothes.

30. You have too many shoes.

31. No you really do have too many shoes.

32. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

33. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

34. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

35. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

36. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com