Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

On Slippery Footing

Now this chap has a great deal of respect for Alan Fels, our champion of the people and chief head kicker at the consumer protection mob the ACCC.

He's taken on some pretty big names over the years and generally managed to make them sorry for ripping off, bullying or ignoring people and their complaints.

But I reckon his latest joust - against oil companies and their alleged price-ficing collusion - may be unnecessary and wasteful.

He phoned the other week and ran a few ideas by me. He was wanting to raid the offices of Mobil, Caltex and Shell to get evidence that the companies were deliberately acting together and putting the prices up just before weekends and public holidays.

Well, I told him, you don't need to raid them as I had never, ever seen the price of petrol drop on Tuesdays and then hurtle up by Fridays.

And anyway, I said, the oil companies are excellent corporate citizens who wouldn't dream of putting profits before people, or the safety of their workers (even Esso), or the environment - unless you happen to be a seabird and then they'll stuff you damn quickly.

But, to help the young fellow out I donned my black, figure-hugging ninja outfit and proceeded to "visit" the headquarters of Mobil, Shell and Caltex.

It wasn't easy. My eyes are not as good as they used to be and the sight wasn't helped when my pearl-handled nunchukkas slipped out of my commando belt and twisted themselves around parts of the anatomy that even an ancient soul feels pain in. There I was, half-way up the outside of an office tower, tears rolling down my cheeks cursing like a priest on heat.

To take the old mind off my nether regions I stabbed a steel throwing star through my hand and immediately felt better.

Anyway, reaching the top I managed to ease my way through the vents in the air-conditioning tower and down into the CEOs' offices. I could tell they were the chiefs' rooms because their computer screen savers were of baby seals being clubbed to death, as well as penguins and other coastal creatures covered in oil. My favourite, however, was the flash animation that had a massive oil tanker hitting a major obstacle on the Great Barrier Reef and spewing out glutinous black stuff all over the place. Gee, these guys are funny.

Anyway, I found the info Felsie was after and skidaddled out of there faster than a lawyer with a writ.

He was so pleased to get the paperwork his voice dropped two octaves. Next thing he was on the phone ordering raids on the corporations. He asked if I wanted to lead the way but I declined, saying that I had some injuries that were in need of a bit of attention.

Thank God for Matron and her miracle healing rubbing oil!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com