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Pierce off Beryl

Things can get a bit boring in the old home at times. It may sound surprising, but even we party animals have to cool off every now and then.

Mind you, the past couple of weeks have been tedious. Well, apart from Daisy's midnight streak down the corridor - that was a hoot - and old Bob lost his false teeth and sparked a major search.

We eventually found them in a toilet and I'm only hoping that "Dopey" Darren washed them well before handing them back to the daft codger.

Anyway, like I say, times are pretty boring. It's so bad that we are even considering having our bodies pierced.

Now I don't think the likes of Agnes and Bertie really know what piercing is, but I'm not going to tell them until after we hit the tattoists.

I was thinking about a gold pirate earring - sort of make myself dashing again - but then I had a look at the eyebrow stud and thought maybe that was more my cup of tea. Then I saw it, sitting on a plush purple pad was a ... well I'm not quite sure how to put this ... a todger stud.

Now Matron did warn me against it - saying there was a risk of infection - but I misunderstood her because her tongue, which had just copped a metal ball through it - was a bit swollen.

Anyway, the piercest chap was very nice, told me to drop the strides, and present myself. Well, I can tell you I've never had so much pain - except when I caught the vital part in my zipper - and almost fainted on the spot.

On the bus home everyone, except Matron, was yakking away. Old Beryl was saying how her nipple chain was making her feel like a schoolgirl again and her hubby Cyril was beginning to look mighty nervous.

Anyway, the point of this yarn - apart from keeping my mind active - is the recent warning about how tongue piercing can damage your teeth.

Apparently, dentists reckon that tongue piercing is good for their business because there are all sorts of bad consequences about the proceedure.

They reckon that infection is a big risk and if you survive that, then the metal ball can damage your teeth by chipping or wearing away the enamel of the chompers.

Personally, it's your body and if you want to have some metal thing plunged through sensitive parts of your flesh then it's up to you.

There is a bit of a down side to having it done as far as I can see. It's recommended you give up drugs and alcohol for the first two weeks after the occasion.

Sort of takes the pleasure away, doesn't it?

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com