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Polly Pox

A pox on politicians and a double pox on big business. Why the venom this early in the week?

Well, for the first time in years I'm on holidays - expecting to sweat my jocks off with high degrees of sun-given warmth - and we've had the worst summer in years.

Normally this wouldn't worry me too much, but this hols I've got a gorgeous companion, a gallon of sunscreen and a tetrapack of Viagra and it's all wasted.

The beaches are deserted, apart from a couple of very game polar bears having a swim, and I blame government and business for it.

Bit harsh, you reckon? Well, not in my book.

Australia's record on environmental matters is appalling - no two ways about it - and if politicians are not letting business and farmers chop down every tree in sight, then they allow factories and trucks to pour tonnes of fumes into our air with no thought for global warming.

Now while my hols have been ruined, think of the poor beggars who live in the low-lying Pacific Island nations where rising waters are not just a hassle - they threaten to submerge some really beautiful parts of the world for ever.

Tuvalu is a classic example where they may need to equip everyone with an aqualung at birth and the country's Prime Monster, Koloa Talake, reckons Australia has betrayed its neighbours by sucking up to the United States on the issue.

The US is happy to keep pouring crap into the environment in the chase for more dollars and is even wanting to open up one of the last remaining bits of Alaska's pristine so it can find - and waste - more energy.

And what do the brave and far-seeing boys in Canberra want to do? Basically get out a jar of Vaseline and let America roger us silly yet again.

Now, if there was a payoff for such outrageous inaction and gutlessness - such as full employment, or cutting American trade barriers - you could maybe say "hmmmmm, okay."

But there's nothing for us, other than cementing the notion around the world that we are the US's lapdog and if we can't find out own testicles to lick, then we'll help America lick theirs'.

It fair gives me dire-rear, which in my case can be exceedingly dangerous as the old colostomy bag reaches saturation point rather quickly!

Fair go, you lumps of Canberra troughers, get off your fat backsides and remember you are there to at least pretend to do something for us. After all it's the people from Down Under who voted you in - and pay far too much to keep you - not the bloody Seppos.

Now, Matron, I may risk freezing but could you rub a bit of suntan cream on my chest?

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com