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Peace in our Time

Damn and blast, the blinking walking frame's got stuck again. Oh, hi folks, I'm barrelling down the corridor at the home at a breakneck four steps a minute after a little election night mishap.

I had cracked open a large bottle of cough syrup and we were toasting the result - not for who won, but rather the fact we won't be besieged by bloody politicians again for at least two-and-three-quarter years!

Honestly, there was a would-be Canberra trougher showing up at the home every three seconds during the campaign and although there aren't any babies to kiss, the over-100s had to do a bit of ducking a diving to avoid clammy lips.

Anyway, there we were in party mode when I decided to do a spur-of-the-moment rap dance on our piano. I was getting up a fair bit of speed when all of a sudden the balance was lost and whooosh off I flew up against the first-row chairs.

Now the last time I was prostrate - well I won't go into that - but it has to be the burns caused by the carpet to my thin-but-shapely legs were the worst I'd had in years. So, off to the nurse for some attention. She slapped on some bandages - and what smelt like embalming fluid - and got me a frame to use for a few days.

The tap-tap clomp of me zooming down the corridor has people running in all directions and those who don't want to cop a snarl hear the noise and disappear in the opposite direction. And this has got me thinking.

What if politicians had to have walking frames to alert people to the fact they are mooching around? Of course, we'd have to pay for walking-frame chauffeurs because the slack buggas can't do anything for themselves, but at least we'd be able to avoid them.

Anyway, congrats to the Prime Monster for winning a third term and commiserations to Big Kim Beazley. He is such a nice bloke and deserves - if any polli does - the chance to have a snooze or five on the back bench.

Now if I can put forward an opinion - loath as I am to do such a thing - I reckon the Libs could pick up a bit from Labor's Knowledge Nation push. And I have got just the thing to kick start a new era of research and development in Australia.

Now don't tell anyone, but with Bronny Bishop still in charge of nursing homes I'm hoping to perfect a gadget that will revolutionise bathtime for fogeys.

Yup, a kero-bath spa machine that will fire out more bubbles than old Percy down the hall. Okay, we'd need to be a bit careful on the fire-proofing side - the third-degree burns are still healing - but I think I'm on to a winner!

Oh, bugga, just stood in a used nappie. Gotta go.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com