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On the Roadmap of Peace

Ring ... ringg ... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringggggg ... ringgggggg ... ringggggggg ...

Hang on, hang on, just getting my teeth in.

Ring ... ringg ... ringgg ... ringggg ... ringggggg ... ringgggggg ... ringggggggg ...

"Speak!"

"Hello, Mr Grumpy?"

"It is he ... what do you want? The Wallabies are playing Wales."

"Sorry, Mr Grumpy, but I'm calling on behalf of Prime Minister Sharon of Israel and I would like to put him through to you."

Hmmmmm, Girlie Names Ariel Sharon wants a chat. Better not make any Little Mermaid jokes.

A guttural voice croaked down the line. "Mr Grumpy I have long wanted to chat with you."

Uh oh, he's read my column, he's going to send an electrical pulse down the line and fry my brain. I really should have written something positive about his recent change of hardline heart that seems to have sparked a much better chance for peace between Israel and the Palestinians.

"Mr Grumpy, as you are aware we've hit a bit of a stumbling block on the roadmap to peace in the Middle East and we were wondering if you could spare some time to sort it out?"

"Be pleased to Girlie ... aah, Ariel, be pleased to. How are Scuttle, Sebastian and Prince Eric? Not funny? Okay. What can I help you with?"

"We want you to be a go-between Mr Grumpy between ourselves - the great good guys who would never survive without billions of US dollars - and Hamas, a pack of peace-destroying terrorists."

Dear reader, I have been wanting the chance to clean up the Middle East for a while so how could I refuse. "Okay Ariel, when do I start?"

"First of all you must fly to Jerusalem, go to the Wailing Wall and hold up a sign saying 'Long Live Yessir Arabfat'."

Tough, but do-able. "Then?"

"Then you must go to the Gaza Strip with a sign saying 'Long Live Girlie Names Sharon'."

Getting tougher, but I'll try anything for peace.

"Finally, you must contact the leaders of Hamas and go with them to their secret hideout at 18a Cypress Crescent."

"With Hamas leaders? In a car ...?"

"Ha ha, don't worry Grumpy, we'll tell our helicopter pilots that you'll be there too ... nothing to worry about. They usually obey orders to the letter."

"Usually?"

"Well, sometimes mistakes happen, but it makes for exciting times."

"Righto Gir... Ariel, I'll do it."

"Excellent news, Grumpy, we'll have everything ready for you. We've sent a plane which should be landing in Melbourne about now.

"Er, okay, Ariel ... but saving the world is going to have to wait until after the Test match. Some things seem important - but nothing compares with watching the gold and greens kick butt."

"Okay, Grumpy, but soon as you can. By the way, did you hear the one about the two Palestinians ..."

"Bugger off, I'm missing my boys."

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com