Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Give Me My Bucket!

Oh, boo hoo hoo! Oh, boo hoo hoo! Oh, boo hoo hoo! Oh dear, oh woe is me, I've been caught with my hand in the bikkie tin and now I'm in trouble and no-one will talk to me.

There there, baby boy, calm down, what's happened?

Oh, my life is in ruins because I was weak and succumbed to a bit of naughtiness.

Well, baby boy, everyone makes mistakes and everyone is a little naughty at some time.

Oh, but this is really bad.

Well, baby boy, what can be so bad that you are crying like a sookie over? Here, have a wipe.

Oh, it's like this, I'm a star football player and I can't seem to control my hands in public.

What, baby boy, Motor Neurone Disease?

No, uncontrollable amounts of self-importance that let me think I can do things like grab a woman's breast in public and she'll accept it because I'm a footy star with blue eyes and a winning smile.

Well, that's a bad thing to do, baby boy, but that was years ago ... you've done your time...

But that's not all, now I've really done something bad.

What, baby boy, worse than sexual assault?

Much worse, I bonked my vice-captain's wife and got caught.

That's awful, baby boy ...

Yes, I didn't much like being caught and now I lost my mates, my job, my lucrative advertising deals and ...

Shut up, Wayne Carey, stand up like a man you bloody big sooker. You have cocked up (so to speak) your life, no-one else. Sure, you've been embarrassed, it'll cost you big, but think of the poor guy whose wife you were bonking. He was a supposed friend and teammate. I feel for him and your wife.

You are a cheat and now a loser. If your wife had any brains she'd take half of what you've got left and send you packing.

And, if you come sniffing anywhere around Matron I'll deck you - you pussbucket!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com