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Rose sets sights on Victoria

Oh, the difficulties of being old! If it's not aches, pains, or loose bowels - then it's worse and constipation sets in.

No this isn't an advert for commercial laxitives - like UnBlock or DeePoo - but more of a hint of a way to naturally clear yourself.

As I was sitting on the old throne I was rummaging, as one does, through reading matter deposited near it. There were old mags, papers and - I kid you not - something that cleared up my blockage within seconds of me reading the headline.

It was "Rose heads our way". What?! Rose!? Not Hancock?! Oh yes, that Rose.

Well upon that news I was up and running out of the loo, screaming warnings to all and sundry. My target was the fire alarm to sound the warning and through the heavy traffic it took a couple of good hip and shoulders to flatten a couple of slowpokes to get there.

As I was about to hit the button a vice like grip got my wrist and whacked on a set of handcuffs. "Not now Matron," I said, but she only held on tighter. Within in seconds I was sort of doing an inverted lotus position with side twist and Matron was gently calming me down.

I have to say it took a few minutes to recover my composure, but the fear was still there.

Rose Hancock wants to live in Melbourne. Yup the mega-rich gal with the interesting dress sense and an undying love for old folks is heading your way Victoria.

Apparently, she wants to be a QC. Well, there's no point aiming low - actually, that's what my mate Lang said!

Anyway, Rose will change her busy schedule so she can study law and then wants to take on important cases as a defender of the weak, poor and unwashed.

I can just see it now, Grumpy in the dock on a trumped up charge of being too old and nasty to people and in will sweep my Princess in Shining Amour, poodles and media types trailing behind her.

There'll be servants fanning her brow, which would barely raise a sweat as she gets stuck into the ridiculous accusations against me.

But I digress. You can't head east, young Rose, you are the only larger-than-life character in Western Australia. You are more important to the state than its Premier .... what'sizname.

Stay over there. The weather's nicer, the cricket team's superior, the beer's better (and the wine) and we are not quite sure whether Victoria is ready for your level of sophistication.

Anyway, thanks for unblocking my plumbing.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com