Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Out of the Blue

The phone rang but it seemed to have a different tone. Don't know why. I picked it up full of expectation. Could it be yet another love goddess calling for a chat? Could it be ...

"Long distance collect call from Baghdad ... will you accept the charges?"

"Er, I guess so, who's calling?"

"Grumpy you horrid and ancient old pig dog, how are you?"

I recognised the voice, but the moustache sounded different.

"Soddem? Is that you Soddy old boy? Are you still alive?"

There was an incredible crackling on the line and it kept dropping in and out.

"I think so Grumpy ... although we are having the faeces kicked out of us over here. My boys Uzi and Queasy are looking a little shaken up - mind you half of our waiter ended up in their coffee. Those damned Americans ruined our din-dins with their blasted missiles."

You gotta hand it to Soddem. He may be an evil sunnovabeach who'll use torture, fear, murder and any other form of brutality he can think up to keep his people in line, but he's got balls.

"What the hang were you doing in public, you must have known they'd be listening for you?"

"Listening, schmistening ... there was a traitor Grumpy, a damnable viper in my small and beautifully formed breasts."

"Ah, Soddy, I think the phrase is viper in your bosom."

"Damn, it's hard to learn English from US girly magazines - I keep looking at the pictures! Quiet! This is important. Someone in my inner circle has betrayed me to the Great Satan and I want to know who it is."

"Well, from the current TV footage I've been watching I reckon it's the bloke in the black beret, with a black moustache and shifty eyes."

"That's me."

"No, he's always standing behind you, or next to you, or somewhere around you ... oh it's so bloody confusing Soddy because everyone in Iraq seems to look like you. Even the ladies."

There was silence down the line. Had I hurt his feelings?

"Grumpy, you've hurt my feelings ...."

Fair go, I thought the bloody sooker was going to burst into tears on me.

"Hey snap out of it Soddy. You got a war to lose. Be a man, not a mouse. How far away are the Yanks from you?"

"About two metres at the moment, Grumpy, I'm trying to escape under one of the Tigris River bridges and there's this Abrams tank sitting right above me."

"Isn't that a bit risky, Soddy? What about fleeing via secret tunnels to Syria, Zimbabwe, Libya?"

"I can't ... all my doubles have already legged it to those places and so I'm stuck here."

"Why don't you hide among the Western journalists in Baghdad ..."

"I have been, that's why the American pig-dog, imperialist, aggressors blew the Shiites out of three of them overnight. Nowhere is safe. Can I stay with you?"

"What?!?!?!?"

"I'm neat and tidy and I cook!"

"What do you cook?"

"Well, usually opponents, but I'm not bad at pavlovas."

"Let's think on it Soddy, I haven't had a servant for a wee while now. Call me back tomorrow."

Just then a horrendous scream came down the phone.

"Soddy? Soddy? You there? What's wrong?"

"Someone in that &^%$^&&*# American tank just went for a wee out the bottom hatch and I'm covered in it. Camel dung that pisses me off."

"Well Soddy, as they say it is better to be pissed off than pissed on. Bye for now."

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com