Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Getting a Toehold on Democracy

There I was snoozing my head off at about 11am on a Sunday when there was a knock at the door of my room.

Bloody Mormons, I thought, sod off and go to church.

The knocking continued and got louder. Then its pace quickened and by the time I had my dressing gown on and was at the door the blasted thing was reverberating to something like the theme from Jaws on speed.

Anyway, I opened it and what was before me - but a dorky looking chap with blue shorts, pulled-up-to-the-knees white socks and brown Roman sandals.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked in my snakeist tone.

"Hi, hope I didn't bother you, but I'm canvassing support for Con Anythingoutofanybody, he's standing for the local council."

"What?"

"I'm canvassing support for Con Anythingoutofanybody ....." but before the little erk could say anymore I had spun him around, given him a wedgie that would make a eunuch cry and planted my size-11 right foot on to his backside.

"Oi, that's not very nice ...." he squealed as he was propelled down the hall.

"Oh, you've read my stuff then," I shouted and laughed with glee as he slipped in a puddle of someone's spilt bedpan.

Now thoroughly awake I gave away the thought of getting some more kip and settled down in front of the trusty computer to check out world events.

Bloody canvassers, I muttered, only slightly less loathsome than the damn politicians themselves. At least you never actually have to dirty your hands with your local MP because you never get to see them, well except in the local paper at photo oppoprtunities.

These buggas just have no respect for voters.

Then my blood froze. Here was I blathering on about how badly voters are treated in Australia when I noticed what the poor devils in Sierra Leone go through.

Okay, it's hardly in a bastion of democracy - well it's in Africa isn't it? - but I tell you what you really wouldn't want to be casting your ballot there.

You see last time around the fine and upstanding rebels of the Revolutionary United Front decided that they didn't really want people to vote and so - chopped their hands off. Both of them. With axes.

A few isolated incidents perhaps? Not likely, there are thousands of victims of such atrocities.

Still, on a positive note, they are not sitting on their ... er, backsides, doing nothing but are fighting back against the perpetrators of the outrages - who just so happen to be standing for election this time around.

What the amputee voters of Sierra Leone are doing is learning to write with their feet so they can still mark the ballot papers and have their chance to ram it up their enemies.

What courage and guts! Those people are absolute heroes of democracy.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com