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Time for Socceroo Glory!

Now I don't mind 'fessing up here to a bout of extreme nerves - and even a trip to the doc for some valium won't assist. Not until about 10.30 tonight.

Why? Well ... I'm a Socceroo fan and the chaps are going around tonight in the first of two games to reach the World Cup finals.

Their opponents are Uruguay, the fifth-placed South American nation in the qualifiers, and are those hombres samba-ing around as if it is already won.

Some of the Uruguayans cannot consider losing to the Socceroos. "As if a country like Australia could match a Way Down South of the Border team like us," they reckon.

Okay, our track record in the World Cup is crap. And Uruguay has won the trophy twice - albeit one hell of a long time ago.

But, hey, we are a top sporting nation and when you look at the way the South Americans play they shouldn't really be too hard to match.

Lookee here. They have great skills but, and let's be subtle about it, have no heart. Oh it's all tears as the national anthem is played and their hairy little knees tremble with pent-up emotion, but things start once the whistle is blown.

You can guarantee that early on there will be a free kick earnt by the histrionics of the South Americans. An Australian player will not have been within two metres of an opponent when all of a sudden the Uruguayan will fly into the air and land screaming in pain. On and on he'll scream and writhe, calling for Mum and telling everyone around their career has ended!

There'll be a freekick - doesn't matter which sport, refs and umpires are dopey - and as soon as the whistle has blown the dying victim will hop up, smile and take the kick.

Now, that's the sort of stuff Manchester United pulls and supporters of real teams look on as these soccer sooks make themselves a laughing stock.

Mind you, there can be a bit of bite in the old South American tackle as they tend to try to take the ball out of an opponent's scrotum. (They don't mind tackling high.) Mind you, the Socceroos do have Kevin "Rip Your Legs Off" Muscat, who is as ferocious a tackler as you would ever like to see (on your side!).

The Socceroos also have steadiness, a stout defence, two brilliant Leeds players in Harry Kewell and Mark Viduka, and a burning desire to put Australia on the soccer world's map.

I'll be watching tonight guys and I'm wishing you all the best. Do us proud, you've got a whole nation behind you!

Grumpy's tip: Australia 2, Uruguay 0.

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com