Check out Grumpy's IBin Laughin Humour Page

To read past columns visit The Grumpy Files

Old Soddem finally bites the bullet...

Plink, plink ... plinkk, plinkk ... plinkkk, plinkkk ... plinkkkk, plinkkkk ... plinkkkkk, plinkkkkk ...

Now while you may think that looks strange - have a go at it from my end ... my phone is sounding like a blinking harp! Telstra must be up to its usual tricks trying to woo the Godly back.

This still wasn't helping my harp-like phone stop plinking and so I did what any sensible person would do and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) Hello Grumpy you old pig dog ..."

"Hello? Who's that?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) it is I, imperialist lackey, the Butcher of Baghdad, the most magnificent Saddam Hussein ... may I live for a 1000 years."

"Soddy? That you? Where are you?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) you promise not to laugh (Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) ... sorry it's a bad line."

"I promise."

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) First, let me explain what happened when the pig-dog Americans ruined a quiet dinner party I was having with my sons Uzi and Queasy. There we were in a quiet little spot - nice food, nice wine - when all of a sudden 'kapow' we were sent sprawling in a cloud of dust, plaster and cous-cous."

"But you survived ... we saw your pictures the day after on the TV."

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) Very clever forward planning with body-doubles on my part. Anyway, you appallingly thin waster of the planet's resources, Uzi, Queasy and I then set off on a long journey."

"So where are you now, Soddy old fruit?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) Well, I'm with a certain entity who seems to be even meaner than me."

"You haven't been captured by any of my five former mothers-in-law?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) No, even worse - just, I have seen my security photos of some of them and they made me cringe! - I am with the Great Satan himself."

"Not Dubya?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) No, the intelligent one ... Shaitan, Beelzebub, the Horned One ..."

"Not Billy-boy Clinton?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) No ... nor Hilary ... but Satan!"

It may have taken a long time, dear reader, but the penny finally dropped for me. Old Soddy, bane of the US and great topic for columns, had sucked the big one.

"Well, Soddy, you did have it coming for some time. Any tears shed for you?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) Not many ... although the French, Russians and Germans were a bit put out I didn't put up a better fight against the Americans. Oh well, such is life."

"If you had your time over, Soddy, would you do it again?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) In an instant, you varicose vein on society, what better career for a violent, nasty, immoral thug?"

I was going to light-heartedly suggest becoming a banker or Australian Chief Executive Officer but thought he may not appreciate it at a time like this.

"Good point. Well, all the best Soddy ... what have they got you doing down there?"

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) I'm having a bit of a try at TV at the moment. Satan has me programming commercial TV down your way. You wait until you see the crap I'm going to serve up this year . Muhahahahahahahahaah. (Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) Oh by the way, can I call you again?"

"Sure, Soddy, just get the time zones right. I'll sort of miss you ... you were good copy."

"(Crackle ... snap ... crackle ... hiss) You won't be missing me for long .... Muhahahahahahahahahaah ... we'll be catching up shortly - if you get my drift."

"Coming back to life are we? Or......" Uh oh! That doesn't sound... Cripes, I'd better cut out those bacon and egg sammies for breakfast, and quickly!"

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com