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Dear Soddy ...

Having just heard the news about Uzi and Queasy I must let you know that I too have suffered great losses comparable to yours.

I once had two pet rats - Hitler and Stalin - and while they were not exactly like your boys, they did have furry faces and were cunning as the proverbial rodents of the outhouse.

Anyway, I felt terrible when they died and, years on, I still (sniff) get a tear in the myopic eyes whenever their deaths are brought back to mind.

Poor old Hitler got a nasty surprise in his last moment when I was mucking around with him in the kitchen.

Deep-fried camembert cheese was on for desert and, while waiting for the oil to hit A-bomb heat levels, I was juggling the tasty morsels. It was then, unfortunately, that Hitler - never the brightest spark in the electrical grid, decided to take a flying leap for glory - and the cheese - and ended up in the pan.

Needless to say I went right off fried foods from that moment on!

My other little mate had a more sedate passing over. We were snoozing in front of the cricket when all of a sudden Mrs Grumpy III, a Danish bodysculptor, threw her Amazonian physique on to me in a sudden fit of passion.

Before I knew it there was body lotion all over the place, a Greco-Roman wrestling match (which I lost) ensued and then one tiny little squeak.

Horrified I looked to see Stalin flat on his back, arms and legs outstretched, stone motherless dead. Mind you, it did seem to me he was smiling the smile of a creature that had seen the gates of heaven.

Anyway, Soddy old fruit, I hope these thoughts will cheer you up as you try to work out a way to get to Uzi and Queasy's funeral.

By the way, are they being buried seperately? I mean, the body parts not the boys. Those chainguns can make a hang of a mess of flesh and bone can't they?

I remember seeing a couple of guys who were ripped apart by those things - oooooh, there was blood and brains and little red icky bits all over the show. It wasn't nice at all and how they must have suffered!

Oh, I guess you don't really want to hear that right now do you?

Okay, well I'd better be off. I've got a BBQ to get organised. That reminds me, are Uzi and Queasy being cremated?

PS: Please take care of yourself ... if you suck the big one it will be a massive loss to the online humour industry.

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com