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I stink, therefore I'm spam!.

Why do we put up with spam, an in-your-face assault on our privacy, computer systems and sanity?

And why do we allow the politicians in Canberra to avoid making a decision on banning the electronic crap mail that fair flows into our inboxes?

I've just had a squizz at my deleted items queue and, if you discount the 200 viruses sent my way via attachments, there are more than 700 items since my last monthly clean-out.

That's right - 700+ pieces of utter garbage that I do not want to see but some scumsucker is making money out of sending me.

And spam volume is officially predicted to rise by 50 per cent by 2007! Personally I reckon that underestimates this contagion and its voracious spread and if it hasn't doubled by next year I'm an 18-year-old beach babe.

To illustrate the point here are a few of the wonderful items on offer to me via the Net.

I can get 1 million free page views on my site, win 40 lbs of lobster, get tiny webcams, itchy anus cream, first aid kits, software to hunt down long lost lovers/schoolfriends/debtors, dwarfs with huge breasts and chaps with exceptionally large appendages.

I can have a Wal-Mart mastercard, free burgers, look at some naughty elves, look at some very naughty blonde floozie with a ... hang on I'll bookmark that ... dental insurance, find out about Web marketing, lose 10 pounds by January, get my credit back on track.

And, if I'm really lucky I know I can find love, buy air-conditioners, see a teen girl do it with a horse (and not the above mentioned chap with the extremely large appendage), get my PC to give me a paycheck (sic), buy cartidges for my printer and get some terrific tablets to ease my blocked bowels.

And did I mention Viagra?

Now the Federal Government is supposedly looking at the issue of spam and was down in August to release an all-encompassing report into the curse of spam.

That hasn't materialised, however, an interim report - you know the term used when these guys and gals are having to much fun wining and dining and don't really understand the issue enough to come to a decision - has popped out.

Now regular Net users will not be surprised by the recommendations of this interim report.

They include:

• Coming up with a definition of "spam".
  This one is easy you twits just click send receive on your bloody PCs and you'll find out what spam is.
  
  
• Codes of conduct to be followed by Internet service providers and their representative industry bodies such as the Internet Industry Association.
  This is what is known as pollie bullshit where they come up with an idea, phrase or name that means absolutely nothing but they can say they've done something. Such as the "We'll make the skies blue on sunny days that end in y committee".
  
  
• An industry self-regulated list of known spammers.
  Great term industry self-regulated - that means "we know the task is impossible so we'll just throw it on to someone else and blame them if it's not fixed."
  
  
• Cooperation with other countries and international bodies to limit spam.
  Another airy-fairy example of pollie wank.
  
  
• Application of existing legislation such as national privacy principles, trade practices and offensive online content.
  Sit on our fat arses and do nothing.
  
  
• Further legislation, including the creation of a new offence, which would make it illegal to use a carriage service provider to commit a Commonwealth offence.
  What the #### does that mean?

Australia is, according to the bright sparks who are in charge of this nation, the Clever Country.

Well, from where I sit, there's nothing clever about having your emails clogged with unwanted garbage and porno filth.

If I were running a business I'd be pulling my hair out at the enormous cost of spam, which takes up 40 per cent of the world's email. Imagine how that is hardening the arteries of the Internet and slowing it down.

I just wish the Minister for Disappearing, Senator Alston, would just straight out ban spam. It would make every Australian Internet user's day!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com