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Forcing Your Way Through the Queue

Now I don't know about you guys but I'm more excited about Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones than I was on my first wedding night. Well ... almost.

There are only three more sleeps to go until the big day and I've already been practising with the old light sabre - actually an electric toothbrush painted iridescent green.

If you turn it on while waving it about you can almost picture yourself shouting "Come on Darth Vader - have a go you beetle-headed punce!"

Mind you, before you start your practice session you need to make sure the door is locked because you should have seen the look on the old folks' home manager's face when she waltzed in as I was mid-leap.

After a cup of water and a bit of a sit down, she explained it wasn't so much the look of grim determination on my face that scared her, it was the thought of Jedis battling to save the universe in blue-checked dressing gowns and tatty old slippers that had her worried.

Having said that the old cow then grabbed a toilet brush, started making "vvvvwwwwwwsssssszzzzzzhhhhhhhh" sounds while slowly moving it from side to side and whalloped me over the head with it.

That, of course, meant it was on for old and older. Needless to say I emerged victorious - although my opponent proved a worthy adversary and didn't give in until I turned about, ran up the wall Jackie Chan-style and did a triple by-pass somersault back over her. Unfortunately my dressing-gown cord got caught on a clothes hook and I ended up flat on my back amid used adult nappy bags. Talk about ruining a marvellous moment ... and bloody manager hasn't been able to stop laughing yet.

Anyway, wandering down to the old picture theatre I discovered quite a queue of people wanting to get tickets for Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones.

The little kids were easy to push past, so were those on crutches but my super-sneaky run through the lineup was stopped a group of greasy older teens who obviously haven't seen the inside of a shower for quite some time.

Never mind, thought I, we are on a mission and these guys ain't going to stop us. So it was time to use the best weapon an old codger like me has.

You know it always pays to not brush the old fangs for a couple of days before attempting anything like this and the gasseous pong that emanated from this usually minty-fresh mouthed chap was truly awful. Even my eyes watered. The poor sods at the other end of it, however, went green and started retching.

Well, all's fair in love and Star Wars you know. See you at the movie!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com