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The Socceroos welcoming party

You could have tipped it, couldn't you. The Uruguay soccer team arrives in Melbourne to a pleasant welcome and when our boys get to Montevideo they are assaulted and spat upon. Well, call me old fashioned, it is no surprise at all.

Even less surprising is the completely useless protection the Socceroos were given - a handful of police to deal with scores of scumbag Uruguayans who forget that sport is just sport.

No, to that group of two-peso a-holes I have one thing to say. Don't think you can scare Australians with a bit of Latin American fist waving, pushing and spittle.

I have no doubt that the Socceroos looked at you pathetic little nonentities and reckoned you would be so easy to clobber they wouldn't bother.

Coach Frank Farina was pretty calm afterwards and did extremely well to call the situation uncivilised. A disgraceful display of nationalism from a pack of cretins from a stinking backwater would have been more accurate.

Well, Frank, you and the boys are in a continent of macho men whose great loves are soccer, in a sooky sort of way, and running away from real men. Remember the Falklands - and while Uruguay is not Argentina you can probably still scare the male senoritas there with the mention of the name Thatcher.

Anyway, back to the World Cup qualifier being played from about 5.30am on Monday (Decent Types Time).

Being 1-0 up after the first leg, Australia only needs a draw to make it to the finals, but it will not be easy. Uruguay is a higher-ranked team and can boast the world's most expensive player. He was the very dangerous number 20 at the MCG.

The key will be for the Socceroos to get an away goal, which counts as two, and that would mean Uruguay would need to score three goals to get through. They could do so, but hopefully they have inherited the lack of cohones from their airport welcoming party and wimp out on the night.

Grumpy's pick is Uruguay 1 Socceroos 1, and Australia will make it through to the finals.

Oh, before I go, here's a big kiss to the sooky-bubba Indian cricket team who wants to pick up its bat and go home after superstar dwarf Sachin Tendulkar was accused of on-field naughtiness and suspended.

Did I say pick up their bat? Sorry, it should have been picked up their seam on the ball.

Let's be subtle, ball tampering is cheating and if you don't want to be punished, don't do it. It is undignified for a player of Tendulkar's stature - and we are talking in the game of cricket here, not actual physical size - to resort to that sort of thing.

Speaking of being subtle, the following is an announcement to the anti-Australian tossers in charge of FIFA.

Your promised security for our boys was appalling and if any of our lads get injured by scumbag crowds over there then you will be made to answer. We may even send Kevin Muscat to see you!

Go the lads!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com