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Bloody Vandals

Why, oh why, oh why, do some morons feel the need to destroy things so they can feel better?

I'm talking, post-weekend, about vandalism and the mindless damaging of objects for no good apparent reason.

There I was on Saturday at the doc's, rubbing shoulders with squawking kids, silent teens and dribbly old buggas (ooops, sorry that was me in the mirror) trying to see if she could do a quick running repair on my colostomy bag.

As I was leaving the surgery I noticed that some scumbag had run his key down the side of my pink Morris Minor. There was a scratch at least a metre-and-a-half long running down the driver's side and my beaut new paintwork now needed massive - and expensive - repairs.

Thank God there was no street-cam newscrew around otherwise my interview would have been one entire string of bleeps.

This type of vandalism seriously sucks arse - as my mate Peter has had the same thing just done to his motor.

Peter reckons the a-holes who key cars should be hung, drawn and quartered - a nasty way to go if ever there was one.

Firstly, the little oiks would be half choked to death on a gallows. Fair enough. Then, and this is the part that gets interesting, they get dragged down, have their stomachs sliced open and their intestines roasted over a fire. If they thought a hot mexican dish gave them bad guts they are in for a surprise let me tell you. Then, when they are screaming their revolting heads off in pain, a bit of mercy is shown and they are dispatched - in four pieces - around the place.

A fitting end to revolting vandals who deserve all they get.

Personally I blame the year's biggest vandal for the rise in car keyings and assorted crimes. Yup, our kids - and they usually are - have taken a leaf from the book of old I'man Over Laden Bin.

That grubby, about-to-meet-his-maker showed the world that people who destroy property can make the headlines all around the globe. Now who'd like a little wager on how Over Laden Bin gets his punishment.

I reckon he'll be shot while trying to avoid capture and the reason he'll be an easier target is due to the fact that he's half choked and can't run very fast with his entrails tied around his ankles. Could happen to a nicer bloke.

Merry Christmas, Over Laden Bin, old sock, we're thinking of you!

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com