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Adjusting the rules of war

Ring .... ring .... ring .... ring .... ring ....

"Yeah Dubya, what is it?"

"Grump, we're in a bit of trouble, can you help us out?"

"What have you done this time, Dubya?"

"Well, we just blew $250million bucks on a military exercise that was meant to test out our abilities to kick some Middle Eastern nation's ass - I can't tell you which - and we didn't do so well."

"You mean you lost, Dubya? That wouldn't look good as you prepare to sock old Soddem Hussein in the goolies."

"We didn't lose Grump, we just didn't do so well."

"Please explain, Dubya, I'm not at my best at 3am."

"Hey Grump, you guys should switch to American time 'coz it's daylight over here. Anyway, we had this retired Marine general leading the enemy in the exercise and the guy was kicking us silly. He cheated, no bones about it. He used motorcycle despatch riders to send messages so we couldn't eavesdrop on him using our squillion-dollar listening capabilities. And then he had his planes and boats go round in circles - we thought he was mad - but then they launched these unsporting surprise attacks and sank most of our fleet. Billions of dollars of ships went down the gurgler."

"Well, Dubya, this guy sounds pretty good so you must have learnt some good lessons on what you may face if you attack Soddem."

"Hell no, Grump, we didn't lose. We told him to turn off his radar and anti-aircraft weapons so we could get ashore - once we 'refloated' our ships."

"So you cheated, Dubya?"

"Hell no, Grump, we don't cheat, we just adjusted the rules. We can't let Americans think that we are unable to kick Soddem's ass. Bad for morale, what with the anniversary of 11 September coming up."

"But, Dubya, if you attack Iraq using the same tactics that got beaten in the wargame, won't the American people get a bit pissed when thousands of body bags start heading home?"

"No way, Grump, we have a secret weapon."

"Smart bombs?"

"Hell no, Grump, Rambo."

"Not Sly Stallone?"

"Hell no ... John Howard ... your Prime Monster. He's going to be in it boots and all with us. It's going to be the US and Australia in it together - just like Vietnam."

"That's very comforting Dubya. I'm going back to sleep now and I'm hoping this is a dream."

"Still taking those afternoon naps, I see, Grump. Well, have a nice day. Missing you already!"

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com