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Trouble in a Green Wedgie Shire

It seems to be pretty accepted nowadays that big metropolitan areas need areas of bush and natural habitats - known as green wedges - that Nature can use as a city's lungs.

Some local councils are eager to protect those breathing spaces and will go to enormous lengths to preserve them.

In parts of the beautiful shire of Nillumbik to the north-east of Melbourne, residents enjoy a country-like lifestyle with bush areas, an abundance of native birdlife and a community of local residents who want to protect their relatively noise-free lifestyles.

No inner-city chaos for them. No property-invading sounds of heavy industry are tolerated. It's a lovely spot that reminds me of the easier pace of life that existed when I grew up way back sometime before Federation.

Anyway, the local council is proud of its badge as The Green Wedge Shire and its officers are feral in defence of the environment. Woe betide any newcomer to the area that doesn't know the rules and chops down a tree, and if you want to put up so much as a simple carport the hoops and rings you have to jump through to get it approved by the Green Wedgie bylaws police have to be seen to be believed.

You need to ask your neighbours, fair enough. You even have to get it in writing that they understand what a carport is - you know four posts and a tin roof. Then it is weeks of waiting around with the poor old four-wheel drive getting a bit rained upon while the burghers of the shire ponder on the environmental ramifications of such a hellish intrusion upon the local flora, fauna and ratepayers.

All I can say is that it sounds like my sort of council.

However, a large number of ratepayers to the Green Wedgie shire are up in arms about a move to allow a woodchipping operation in their formerly peaceful frontyards.

Residents say they don't mind reasonable noise - a cabinet building operation, a gym, a glazier that sort of thing, but it seems they are foaming about the possibility of a woodchipping machine known as The Beast that will make periodic stops to their peaceful idyll and chop the crap out of logs.

Now, this has been euphemistically labelled mulching - clearly in a bid to deflect concern and give people the warm and fuzzies about saving water by using it as garden coverings.

However, to this old and addled mind mulching involves twigs and small branches - not whacking great metre-wide remains of trees.

Oho, thought the ratepayers - council bylaws forbid woodchipping within 1500 metres of houses and there are hundreds of houses within that distance. Easy peasy.

Not so fast, little people who only pay the bills said the Green Wedgie lot, it isn't a hard and fast rule. We'll have a sound test.

Great, thought the ratepayers. The Beast is noisier than a losing Collingwood supporter and the tests showed it exceeded EPA limits. That may be allowed in a heavy industrial zone, but not in our beloved shire that publicises itself as a protector of the environment.

Not so fast little insignificant types, said the Green Wedgie officials, it's not really woodchipping in the accepted meaning of the term (despite the sound-test company calling The Beast a woodchipper) and we reckon it will be okay with a few baffles.

Anyway, to cut a massive log down to size, the locals are currently fighting the proposal and are set to face the Green Wedgie's planning committee. We'll keep an eye on the matter.

It's funny, but when I was a lad if you paid somebody then they did what you asked them. Today, it seems that some local governments can take your money and then dismiss your concerns as if you are nothing more than annoyances.

Grumpy Old Coot has a warped view of life, check him out

If there is something that has really got up your nose, let Grumpy Old Coot know at grumpy@webwombat.com