Know Your Hangover
One-star hangover
* No pain. No real
feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which
is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are
able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 soft drinks and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are
craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
Two-star hangover
** No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a fresh and fruity pancake breakfast. Last night
has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice
demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is surfing the Internet and writing
junk e-mails.
Three-star hangover
*** Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not
productive. Anytime a girl/guy walks by, you gag because her/his
perfume/BO reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45am. Life
would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts
and a litre of Coke watching Good Morning Australia
with crater face. You've had four cups of coffee, a jug of water, two
sausage rolls and a litre of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four-star hangover
**** Life sucks. Your
head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might
puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars), your teeth are brown, your eyes look like one big vein and your
hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Revere High, '76. You would walk over your mother for one or all of the
following:
1. The clock to strike 6pm.
2. The entire appetiser list from Smorgy's.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night
before.
Five-tar hangover (aka Dante's 4th
Circle of Hell).
***** You have a second
heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits
in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making
you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry, but that would
take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty
good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you
because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were
and what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when
you wake up a few hours later with a lesser-star hangover that you eat
a large pizza, a ham and cheese omelette and a batch of Rice Krispie
treats.
|
